Okay, people who know me know that a certain someone has stolen my heart and run away with it.
It's been a trying couple of months for me emotionally as I've really F$#&ed myself in this. Dealing with "Bob" has been tough. I met him online and never expected anything to come of it. Instead, I found a man who blew me away with his beauty and his intellect. What I didn't realize, when he said he still had feelings for his ex, he had feelings alright.
He was still in LOVE with him.
Oh boy. "Bob" has always been upfront with me about his feelings about his ex and how he feels. He didn't a relationship but he did want to casually date me. Okay. "I can deal with that." I thought to myself.
Oh what I didn't expect and what I least wanted at that time. I had found the man I'd been dreaming of for the last 28 years. I was totally blown away by him and found myself falling for him.
I knew there were problems because of his ex, but I didn't expect "Bob" to suddenly pull away from me to take more time to recover from his ex. "I have to deal with this." was what I told myself. I was going to give him time and space...and the night we decided to leave each other alone, he called six hours later to rave about how he had gotten a new position in a social organization. I was VERY unhappy to hear from him. "Bob" treated me as if nothing had happened and couldn't figure out on his own what was bugging me that night. For the first time, I purposefully held in my feelings and wasn't honest with "Bob".
A long silence ensued between us. I had assumed that I had lost him and didn't speak to him for a few weeks.
The last week of Febuary, I had what resembled a heart attack in symptoms. As my life flashed before my eyes, I thought of three people who meant the most to me. My mom, my dad, and "Bob". I called "Bob" and told him what had happened and we talked some, but it was obvious that my confession was very troubling for him. I figured if I didn't tell him, it would trouble me until I did.
On March 2nd, I had minor heart surgery to attempt to fix the problem. "Bob" was there and stayed at the house with me for the first few hours. We had a chance to talk and it seemed that we had cleared the previous animosity.
We did alright. That was the problem, unbeknownst to me, I'd opened a huge can of worms. All I get from "Bob" are mixed signals. He's well on his way to getting over his ex. "Bob" calls quite often just to say good night or just to see how I'm doing. But if things get too intense, he pulls away and I get the "I'm not ready for anything serious" speech followed by a couple of days of silence.
Tonight (Sat 3/17) while out to dinner with my ex (my boss still) and his new guy, I asked the new guy what he thought of the entire twisted ordeal. He ripped me up one side and down the other and told me to take control of my life again. He said I had to put my foot down and either "Bob" takes the same risks I am and tries moving forward or we walk away from each other. I was QUITE defensive during the conversation, but I also realized that he was right. As much as "Bob" means to me, I have to suck it up and say, "Shit or get off the pot!" It's like he's keeping just enough interest in me to keep me around, but if I show anything more than friendship, I get pushed back.
"Bob" (you know who you are), I love you. I know you are scared of getting hurt again. I know you are. I am too. I'm terrified of having someone like Alex happen again. I swore I'd never fall for anyone again. I wasn't looking for someone when I met you. Actually, I didn't want anyone in my life. I wanted quiet, tranquil solitude. I found you instead, by chance, and my heart saw the beauty and love inside you. It didn't care about my mind's protests about getting hurt again. It saw a wonderful man who made me feel amazing and special.
I took my risks, I laid my heart on the table, opened my soul to you.
The essence of poker is knowing when to up the pot and when to fold. Anted up, the bets have been placed and the last card has been dealt. This is high stakes. I have to make a decision now. Do I raise the stakes? Do I fold and walk away?
"Bob" You have more to say in this decision than you realize.
I think I know where you are going to be coming from on this issue. You'll see it as me trying to rush you and forcing your hand.
Yes, in some ways, I am. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You've been acting like you are interested and acting like you are warming up to me, then if I warm up to you, you pull away. I feel like I'm being used as the rope in your internal tug of war.
I know this is what you most wanted to avoid, and I'm sorry for getting us into this situation, but I love you. I love you so much and yet I can't do anything about it. I need YOU to figure out what in the hell you want from me. I can see the same turmoil in you at times. Part of you wants to go forward and part of you is scared to move and is frozen in a no-man's land.
Do you want to stay frozen in no-man's land? You keep everyone distant and you lose me.
If you move forward, we *both* expose ourselves to pain and hurt. That's what a relationship is, people who agree to be together, bareing their souls and hearts to each other. I never want to feel the heart wrenching agony that Alex put me through, nor do I ever want you to feel what your ex put you through again. I've offered you everything I can and raised the stakes to a level, I never thought I'd risk.
I have to call. It's time to play the cards we were given and see what happens.
For the first time since I met you, I realize that I have to be fully prepared to walk away from you. Unlike Alex who dumped me and wrenched my heart, I will be in control of the agony and I must inflict it on myself.
Forgive me for I'm charging forward into uncharted territory and hoping I'm moving in the right direction.
