It deals with Magickal events, intimate details of my life, and other fun things...
Backtracking here...
Last Wednesday, I was at work at KVSC. My cell phone rang and it was my friend Larry calling me. He’d hit a point where he was completely drained of energy and motivation. Larry’s not the kind of person to really ask for help directly, but I could feel him on energetic level calling out for it.
I wound up driving down to the Twin Cities and picking him up. He was about as empty as he could be. I could barely feel anything beyond his basic essence. He was otherwise shutdown. After a good solid hour of nothingness, I finally got him out the door and we went to Magus Books. I got my usual energy recharge while there and Larry seemed to finally start coming back on-line.
We headed back to St. Cloud and Larry spent the night up here before I took him home the next morning. We spent a good deal of the night talking about sex, relationships, and my bisexuality. (Yes, I’m bi folks. I’ve had experiences with women and actually enjoyed them, but it’s not what I’m wired for and I’ve not had any experiences with women since 1993.)
The conversation turned at some point and I was testing Larry’s abilities to see what I could pull out of him about his gifts. Larry has the gift of healing touch. I know this but knowing little of it, I can’t teach him anything. He started doing energy work on me, pulling off some spirits that had attached to me the previous weekend while I was in Kenosha for the Garou game down there.
He found one huge spirit that had embedded a claw deep into my soul and it was the cause of my recent funk and inability to focus on my gifts and healing energies. I made the decision to remove it and within a few moments of that decision, I had both my spirit guides in the room, my brother and sister (they are both deceased), a Cherokee shaman/medicine man, and another set of spirits that I *think* were my friend
I wound up having a long discussion with the Goddess Herself about my abilities and what I should do.
It came down to a paradox.
I could keep this spirit with its claw buried deep within me. It would continue to slowly destroy me and corrupt me, pulling me towards negative magick and doing ill will ... or ... I could release it and know that there would be spiritual payments to be made. At first I thought it was the sacrifice of Innocents...and that goes against every healing instinct I have. I first decided to keep the evil spirit and fight it...but once She showed me what would be happening, I realized that it was a mistake and I decided to jettison it.
(I know now that it wasn’t the “sacrifice of Innocents” per se, rather I will have to watch helplessly in situations where I can’t help. It’s beyond my control. It was a wake up call about the nature and strength of my Gifts...but also their limits.
By the time dawn rolled around on Thursday morning, I was already down a lot of energy, but I learned much.
Thursday evening, I had to drive back to the Cities as I was picking up my friend Jeff (this was already planned before the Larry thing happened).
I picked him up at his place and I honestly don’t remember much of what we talked about on the way back to St. Cloud. It wasn’t anything too serious as I remember it, but what followed took so much out of me that I’m amazed that I can remember it at all.
When we got up here, I set up more than the usual wards around my room and around the apartment. I knew Jeff was going back to the Cities on Saturday morning and I didn’t feel like keeping a moving ward around him.
I set up my altar and Jeff and I started talking. He had been wanting a therapeutic massage which I gave to him and during that session, we started talking about more indepth stuff and about his girlfriend Lish.
By the time midnight rolled around, Jeff and I were neck deep in conversation about life, Magick, and everything in between. It was to be Jeff’s night to break down walls and discover things in himself that he had been unaware of or that he had repressed for his entire life. I spent a good deal of time just holding him as he broke down and let out all the negativity he’d held in for so long.
We finally fell asleep around dawn and got up around 2 to take care of some stuff that I needed to get done and pop into KVSC for a bit. After that, around 5:30, we met up with
We got out there and something told me to get out/away from there as soon as possible. I asked Owen about a specific location and all he could see was darkness. Complete darkness. That sealed it for me as I couldn’t see anything there...it was dead black dark all around that area.
We headed back to St. Cloud and Owen tapped something that night that I don’t understand or even know what it was, but he did some *amazing* energy work that night. He was doing neck rolls on Jeff and I. It’s a standard theatre thing I guess (he learned it in a theatre class) and normally it’s a very relaxing neck stretch/relaxation exercise. While Owen was working on Jeff, I suddenly saw Jeff’s etheric body slowly detach from his physical body and float about a foot above him. Jeff was clearly not here and I don’t know where he was (though I’d be willing to make a few bets on where he was).
Owen then did something innocently that sent a shockwave through both Jeff and myself. He meant to signal Jeff that he was done...and tapped him on the forehead...in the middle of his third eye. I saw Jeff’s etheric body collapse (the best word I can think of) back into his physical body and I could see Jeff twitch.
Jeff got up and I laid down for the floor for my turn with Owen. Just as Owen started on me, Jeff suddenly had to take a shower. (I say it like that because he suddenly stood up and announced that he needed to take a shower since he’d not showered for a day and a half.) I got up and found the towel and washcloth that I’d set aside for him to use, then laid back down for Owen to work on me.
The same thing happened to me as happened with Jeff, only having more experience with out of body experiences, I was able to move around some and was lucid of the fact that I was outside of my body. I could feel Owen moving energy, but couldn’t comprehend what he was doing. Jeff walked out of the closet (I have an attached bathroom ... via the closet) and asked Owen if he was okay. He described Owen as cold.
Owen had managed to move all of his energy into/through/around Jeff and I during what he did. He was totally drained of everything. I asked one of my spirit guides to go over and take care of him as best she could. During that time, Jeff and I went out to the deck and Jeff had a smoke.
We came back in and Owen was doing much better, aside from having Mama Bear (my bear guide’s familiar name) sitting on his chest. Why she was sitting on him, I dunno, but he was doing much better otherwise.
Jeff had expressed an interest the night before about doing a spirit quest to find his guide(s) and I had told him that I was more than willing to help him do so. Jeff then said to me that while Owen was doing his thing, that a grey hare had appeared to him and was leading him off to a bear cave. I told Jeff to hold on to that thought for a bit and at that point, I decided it would be best to get Owen him so he could recover and I could get Jeff on his way to where he was being taken.
We took Owen home quick and I got Jeff back to my place...and started him on his spirit quest. While he was gone questing, I decided to take a quest of my own to find the answers to a problem that has been vexing me for the last couple of months regarding a guy I know named Jim.
Jim and I met early last spring semester and hit it off fairly well. We’ve done several rituals together and I’d gotten him a cobalt chalice as a gift. Jim and I talked off and on...nothing in a pattern but it was a couple of times a week.
About two months ago, Jim called me up in a fit. He was messed up, having some personal problems, and wanted to talk and get totally fucked up drunk. I wasn’t keen on his getting drunk, but I said I’d get him and talk to him...but he was on his own for booze. Well, Jim brought the booze. There’s about an 1“ of Bacardi Limon in the 1.5L sitting in the cabinet...he drank the rest that night. Jim was having woman problems. He had two different woment that he was after. One was a girl he’d seen and was hot to trot with but that was about it. The other was a long time friend of his for whom he’d recently developed more/deeper feelings.
Standard shit for me to deal with so far...and I was trying to work with him on it...but between the booze and the sheer amount of energy he was pushing at me and into his walls, I was having a very difficult time dealing with him.
Out of the blue, Jim tells me he’s got a personal problem that he wants my help with...and beats around the bush not really giving me any details of what’s wrong. Jim goes on about he’s not sure about it all and how’s he’s not really sure if he can trust me with it but yet he thinks I’m the only one who could really help him with it all.
Finally, I just looked at him and was like ”What is wrong with you?“
Jim stopped, looked at me, and totally seriously told me that he was having male performance issues.
My thought process stopped dead in its tracks. ”Well, it’s either physical or psychological.“ I said to him.
He was laying down on my bed and I was planning on dealing with him mentally. I didn’t want to deal with trying to find the physical source of the problem. It would be an extremely awkward situation and I didn’t want to deal with it. I still felt the need to help him, but yet I didn’t want to help him.
I tried dealing with any psychological aspects for a while but his mental state was getting chaotic due to the amount of booze that he’d been consuming (about 2/3rds the bottle at this point). I finally told him that I could find anything psychological that jumped out at me and that I didn’t think I could really help him.
Jim asked me about the physical aspects and I told him that I *could* look at that but that I really wasn’t comfortable with it. Twenty or thirty minutes later, I had finally steeled up enough mental strength to deal with what I knew was going to be an unpleasant situation. I told him I’d do it...and before I could put my glasses back on (I’d taken them off and was rubbing my head due the headache he’d given me) he’d stood up and dropped his pants. I looked up and right at eye level was the goods.
I told him to lay back down and I started using the limited physical healing gifts that I have to try and find any obvious causes of the problem. No recent injury, no long term bike riding, no sign of a hernia that I could find. I told him that I couldn’t find anything physical causes...but that I was skipping a lot of things I could do. He wanted to know what I wasn’t doing...and I told him that I hadn’t actually tried stimulating him and seeing what happened (I also knew that with the amount of booze he’d had, it’d be an uphill battle). Jim spread his legs and asked me to try. I wasn’t really comfortable at this point, but he had sincerely asked for my help and I felt duty bound to give it to him. I did a fairly thorough examination of his penis and testicles, nothing out of the ordinary that I could tell. He did have the usual circumcised lack of skin under the head and he seemed to have no sensitivity around his head which I couldn’t tell was booze related or circumcision related.
I grabbed my lotion and stroked him for a couple of minutes and got nothing out of him. I asked him if this was the problem and he said no...that it took a while..then it would get kinda hard...then he’d lose it. So, I wound up giving him a handjob and bringing him to ejaculation...
About five minutes after that (he’d cleaned up)...he was off to the bathroom to puke his brains out. (I don’t puke when I drink was his line earlier that night). I’m mildly concerned that either he was drunk...or he’d realized what had happened. He wandered out about 10 minutes later...saying he felt better.
I grabbed my comforter off my bed and my pillow and laid down on the floor...and he wanted to know what I was doing. I told him I was going to sleep and he told me to lay down on the bed. I did...keeping the comforter and pillow to myself and giving him the sheet and quilt. A couple of hours later around 5am, I was cold...woke up...closed the window and layed back down. I was woken up about 6:30 by Jim...who was mumbling something at me...which turned out to be ”scoot over...I like my space when I sleep“..though when I woke up, I was spooned up against Jim...both of us naked and I was erect with my penis poking into his crack.
I rolled over and scooted to the far edge of the bed...then turned over for a second and asked him if I’d done anything untowards...”nope...just you’ve been like that for an hour or so“
I didn’t take to that news well...but I need the sleep more than the thinking...so I fell back to sleep until my alarm went off at 7:30 so I could get to work and get Jim to class.
I finally came to realize that Jim used me. I’m not sure what for, but I’m not sure if Jim was just wanting to get off, if he was ”experimenting“ or if it was a sympathy thing for me...but none of it was what I wanted or how I wanted it.
Since that night (mid-September) I’ve spoken less than 2 minutes with Jim...and it seems forced when I do...except for him telling me about how great Diane is...
It’s something that totally fucked up my strength and my beliefs in my Gifts.
Jeff meanwhile had a long visit with my bear guide and the hare...and discovered that his main guide is a griffyn.
Friday night/Saturday morning was to be my time to completely fall apart. I had an interest in Jeff that I knew was destined to go no where, but I knew he was going to be a great friend. Between my dealings with the Goddess two nights previous, Jeff the night before, and revisiting the Jim situation...I was shaky in my beliefs that I wanted/needed to keep my gifts.
Late in the evening (okay, early in the AM) I distinctly got the impression that my Bear guide was trying to change mortal life in ways it wasn’t meant to go...twisting Jeff into being romantically interested in me...and dealing with his girlfriend’s fiancee (who is a loser and a half) by cleaning him up and fixing them up.
This was the last straw for me and my gifts. I banished my bear. I couldn’t deal with having a guide that was doing things I knew to be wrong. I then put all my gifts and abilities into Jeff and pushed them in with almost all my energy. I then took Jeff’s inner torment and self-loathing into myself...then renounced all my gifts to all the universe.
*poof*
Silence. Complete silence.
I had given Jeff my gifts and power out of respect (he’s very strong...and a great man, he just doesn’t realize it yet) and hope (same reasons plus he’s found the one with Lish...I mean The One). Jeff and I then quickly realized that we’d done far more than trade gifts and energy...we’d traded conciousness. I had Jeff’s memories and thoughts...and he had mine. The next hour was Jeff trying to analyze himself with my processes and gifts...and me trying to break myself down.
The final moment of hatred came when I cackled and looked at myself and said ”I love you“.
His darkness knew what would destroy my resolve...and also knew that it would hurt him knowing that he was hurting someone else. I crumbled. I was torn down to the foundations...no energy, no gifts, and a swelling darkness.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a wolf. I barely saw it before it ran up and grabbed something out of me...then *BOOM* there was a huge flash of white light and it felt like someone had put a Mack truck through the back of my head...and Jeff and I realized we were back where we belonged...in our own bodies.
Jeff and I now understand each other in ways that most people will never understand. We can have short conversations and yet have full conversations in just a few words. I fell asleep that night in Jeff’s arms...him holding me as I was totally defenseless and totally drained. I don’t remember falling asleep...but I do remember waking up with a massive headache and remembering the night before.
I took Jeff right to work that afternoon and Owen rode along with. The trip down was pretty bad. The traffic was horrible and I wasn’t myself. I was still totally worn down. I was short and snappy at them and I feel really bad about that. I just wasn’t in a social mood.
On the way back, I was so drained I almost had Owen drive home on several occasions. I was that drained. I hadn’t realized just how much I was pulling off Jeff...and to a lesser degree everyone around me that connected to me. I’d drained my friend Jesse (Scooter),
I got home and fell into bed about 9pm and woke up at 5am Monday for my radio show.
Monday was the reflection of my spiritual state.
I had one of the worst radio shows of my entire KVSC career. I had my car booted for parking illegally even though I was told I could park where I was by the fine folks at SCSU Public Safety, and to top it all off...I’d forgotten to pay my car insurance.
I got all that shit resolved and hung out at KVSC later that night and wound up talking to Scooter for a while which really helped me out by giving me a boost of energy. I got home around midnight..and slept until noon.
I got up today...it was sorta warm...not a cloud in the sky...a perfect to realize the glory of the Lord and the Lady and to realize the power and strength in what they’ve given to each and every one of us.
I spent the day recharging...tomorrow I’ll be doing the same aside from my noon newscast.
Last night, Jeff and I talked. My bear hadn’t been meddling. She’d help Jeff to realize what he was doing wrong and also helped Lish to deal with the stuff in her own life. My bear still hasn’t returned. I don’t know if she will return anytime soon. She seems to be watching/helping/guiding Jeff now.
Thursday is supposed to be 55 and sunny here in St. Cloud. I’m going to take a mental health day...I’m cleaning my part of the apartment physically and psychically...as well as spending a good deal of time out in the sunshine.
What a twisted five days it’s been...but I’ve come to realize two major things throught it all...
1: When we hide our feelings behind walls...we deny ourselves the happiness of the pain.
I’ve denied myself the happiness of knowing that someone crossed my path who had the qualities that I was looking for in a partner and I was blessed enough to have met them and have them as a friend.
2: I also hide my emotions behind walls...and push other people away from me because I’m afraid of hurting them. If I kept people pushed away, I couldn’t hurt them.
It’s been a very painful and tiring weekend, but the rewards and insights were worth every single moment.
Blessed be and may the Lord and Lady watch over you...
