I got it this morning.
The “infamous” voice mail message.
“This is an important service announcement from T-Mobile...”
Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and he’s finally delivering the very long awaited voicemail upgrade to the Twin Cities (a month ahead of schedule!).
Doesn’t sound like much I know, but for all the people who’ve had/have T-Mobile and get the dreaded SMS text message to tell you that you have voice mail (ugh)...the voicemail upgrade also upgrades you into the 1990s with ... the o_o voicemail indicator...which disappears when you delete your messages!
It’s the one really big bitch/complaint I’ve had with T-Mobile...and it goes away on Tuesday.
*does the happy bear dance*
Now it’s off to work. That’ll be a whole different post when I get home ;)
21 October 2005
14 October 2005
Silly memes again...
Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: BigBearJT |
13 October 2005
Opening up the inner weakness...
I’ve decided that I’m going to post the current draft of the first two chapters of my novel here.
If you want to read it, just download it and have yourself a field day.
I’m also going to allow comments on it here. Brutal honesty is what I want here people. Don’t lie or sugar coat things. It’s a serious work in progress and I’d like honest gut-reaction feedback.
Yes, it is based in real locations with some “artistic licensing” done to the geography and street names.
*gulp*
Here’s the link...it’s not terribly large. 34 pages and about 258kb. It’s just text ;)
Life's A Beach.pdf
If you want to read it, just download it and have yourself a field day.
I’m also going to allow comments on it here. Brutal honesty is what I want here people. Don’t lie or sugar coat things. It’s a serious work in progress and I’d like honest gut-reaction feedback.
Yes, it is based in real locations with some “artistic licensing” done to the geography and street names.
*gulp*
Here’s the link...it’s not terribly large. 34 pages and about 258kb. It’s just text ;)
Life's A Beach.pdf
My life so the meme judges...
Near Impossible Your life has been 64% difficult. | ||
|
09 October 2005
Stolen from <lj user="nightfallcub"> - The Soundtrack of My Life
| Scene Description: | Song (Artist - Title) |
|---|---|
| Opening Credits | Icehouse - Man of Colours |
| Waking Up Scene | Level 42 - Heaven In My Hands |
| Car Driving Scene | Icehouse - Street Cafe |
| High School Flashback Scene | John Cougar Mellencamp - Small Town |
| Nostalgic Scene | Bowling For Soup - 1985 |
| Bitter, Angry Scene | Johnny Hates Jazz - Shattered Dreams |
| Break-up Scene | Combo Audio - Romanticide |
| Regret Scene | Depeche Mode - Somebody |
| Drug/Party/Bar Scene | Pseudo Echo - Funky Town |
| Sad, Breakdown Scene | Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians - Circle |
| Funeral Scene | Williams Brothers - Can’t Cry Hard Enough |
| Mellow Scene | Cowboy Junkies - Sun Comes Up It’s Tuesday Morning |
| Dreaming About Someone Scene | Cowboy Junkies - Misguided Angel |
| Sex Scene Scene | Alan O’Day - Undercover Angel |
| Contemplation Scene | Eurogliders - Heaven (Must Be There) |
| Happy Love Scene | INXS - Burn For You |
| Friends Scene | Partland Brothers - Soul City |
| Totally Trippy Scene | INXS - We Are The Vegetables |
| Final Outcome Scene | Peter Gabriel - Secret World |
| Closing Credits | Freur - Doot Doot |
Just an update...
Well, I’m starting to conquer my food problems. I’m actually sleeping through the night for the most part.
I start a new assignment through Randstad tomorrow morning at 8am. I’m in training for a week from 8-4:30 then I shift into my normal schedule which is 10:30a-7p.
I’m hopefully going to make it to the family get together with my dad and step-mom this year. It’s going to depend on how my finances are doing.
I’ve started reading “The Places That Scare You” by Pema Chodron. It’s outside of my normal religion but the lessons of learning to love yourself and all your faults is a universal truth and sometimes we need to take a look at things froma new perspective.
I start a new assignment through Randstad tomorrow morning at 8am. I’m in training for a week from 8-4:30 then I shift into my normal schedule which is 10:30a-7p.
I’m hopefully going to make it to the family get together with my dad and step-mom this year. It’s going to depend on how my finances are doing.
I’ve started reading “The Places That Scare You” by Pema Chodron. It’s outside of my normal religion but the lessons of learning to love yourself and all your faults is a universal truth and sometimes we need to take a look at things froma new perspective.
05 October 2005
Oh the humanity!!!
Posted on Wed, Oct. 05, 2005
Hairy issue: Injury shelves Wild’s Fernandez
BY BRIAN MURPHY
Pioneer Press
Wild goalie Manny Fernandez will miss his scheduled start against the Calgary Flames tonight after injuring his neck and back toweling off in the shower.
The team listed Fernandez’s injury as back spasms. He hurt himself when he bent over to dry his hair after showering at the Xcel Energy Center following Tuesday’s practice.
The team hoped his mobility would improve overnight. But treatment this morning did little to loosen up the muscles, and the team decided to start Dwayne Roloson in the season opener against the Flames at Xcel Energy Center.
Rookie Josh Harding was recalled from Houston of the American Hockey League to back up Roloson.
Harding was an emergency call-up, which means the Wild can keep him for 48 hours without his counting against the 23-man active roster.
Hairy issue: Injury shelves Wild’s Fernandez
BY BRIAN MURPHY
Pioneer Press
Wild goalie Manny Fernandez will miss his scheduled start against the Calgary Flames tonight after injuring his neck and back toweling off in the shower.
The team listed Fernandez’s injury as back spasms. He hurt himself when he bent over to dry his hair after showering at the Xcel Energy Center following Tuesday’s practice.
The team hoped his mobility would improve overnight. But treatment this morning did little to loosen up the muscles, and the team decided to start Dwayne Roloson in the season opener against the Flames at Xcel Energy Center.
Rookie Josh Harding was recalled from Houston of the American Hockey League to back up Roloson.
Harding was an emergency call-up, which means the Wild can keep him for 48 hours without his counting against the 23-man active roster.
04 October 2005
Wednesday's plan of attack...
I have to run to Randstad to turn in a timecard from almost three weeks ago and give them my airport ID.
I have to run to the county services center to fill out a ton of paper and get started with the mental health intake system.
Hopefully I’ll have to run to Minneapolis for an interview for the Hilton job. (crosses fingers and toes).
Other than that, it’s a dark and stormy night here. Storms and heavy rain all night, supposed to get 2-4“ of rain over night. We’ve already had 2+ inches in the past two hours at St. Paul/Holman Field.
The gentle roar of the rain should help me sleep.
Nothing else has been (re)solved yet, but you gotta take things one day at a time...and just getting that list out and in front of me gives me a list of challenges to work on.
That’s all...
I have to run to the county services center to fill out a ton of paper and get started with the mental health intake system.
Hopefully I’ll have to run to Minneapolis for an interview for the Hilton job. (crosses fingers and toes).
Other than that, it’s a dark and stormy night here. Storms and heavy rain all night, supposed to get 2-4“ of rain over night. We’ve already had 2+ inches in the past two hours at St. Paul/Holman Field.
The gentle roar of the rain should help me sleep.
Nothing else has been (re)solved yet, but you gotta take things one day at a time...and just getting that list out and in front of me gives me a list of challenges to work on.
That’s all...
03 October 2005
The big list...
Gang, those of you who really know me, know I’m a very strong willed and stubborn person.
I’ve reached the end. I’m going to be finding a solid mental health program that hopefully can deal with pain management as well...and I’m going to be taking an extended vacation if at all possible.
There are so many reasons why I want to check out of this world...but I can’t. It’s nothing to do with me. I know that I don’t matter in the big (or little) scheme of things, but I also can’t knowingly inflict the trauma of a suicide on the people around me who mistaken see a strong caring person inside of me.
It’s not that I don’t have the strength to go out, that I have. It’s the soft caring part of me that can’t do it others.
Reasons I want to go (in no particular order)
Pain. I have a slipping disc in my low back and I live in constant pain. I hadn’t realized how much the pain dominated my life until one of my best friends who was in the ER with me last weekend pointed out that once I had been filled up with pain killers, I was the nice caring person they always knew was there. I don’t notice the pain, but apparently my moods/behaviours bely the fact that I’m suffering.
Finances: At this very moment, I need $818.92 to get my truck payments current, reinstate my truck insurance, and to un-overdraft by two debit cards. I’m jobless at the moment and with my back having gone out, I’ve not been able to really get out and hard core job hunt like I should have been. Almost $1000 to just get back to even, so I can start the cycle all over again immediately.
Living Arrangements: This is in no way a reflection on the generosity and kindness of the friends I’m currently crashed with...they have done so much more than any friends should be asked to do or even should do really. But being crashed out in someone’s loft with no true privacy, two cats who alternate between friendly and standoffish, and knowing you are going to be in this situation for a few months... isn’t not all that great on the self-esteem or the feeling of being an independant adult.
Food: I’m falling back into a habit that I’m trying to break. I’ve starting reverting to my bulemic eating habits again. I binge in the wee hours of the morning, huge carb heavy meals, then I try to “balance” it by not eating during the day...which leads to me being overly hungry...and then having two or three “dinners” followed by the late night binge which is fueled by the depression and the fact that I’ve failed in controlling my eating.
Romance: There are two people in the last year who have stolen my heart away from me. One of them has smashed it, tried to put it all back together and make it all nice, and then smashed it again. The same person also seems to think that flirting with me at anytime and making romantic propositions is okay as well. Guess what. It’s not. I’m tired of it, I’ve told you this, and you still continue. Yeah, I do still have feelings for you, but with your actions of late, it’s turning from what was the beginnings of love into the beginnings of hatred. The other person, if they weren’t heterosexual... He’s one of my best friends and for all the reasons that make him a great best friend, it’s the long talks about life, religion, and other “touchy” subjects that have shown me that he, like me, is a rough and tough, gruff exterior, hiding a smart caring man inside.
Medical Care: What was originally thought to be MS, turns out to be the slipped disc (see
Pain’ previously mentioned in this list). So, I have long term pain management issues there. I’m diabetic, unmaintained, unregulated, and praying that I am doing okay with my own sugar levels. Do I know what mine are? No. Can’t afford a tester or strips or any of that. Other than my diabetes and my low back, I am actually doing quite well healthwise. Just the constant fear of the diabetes complications and the constant pain...
Parents: Oddly, this is one of those situations where I have no idea why things are going how they are going. My mother, since moving to Arkansas a few years ago to care for her parents, has been getting more and more involved with her church. I’m not knocking her religion or choice of denominations, but when you are so wrapped up in a project your church is affiliated with that you forget your own son’s birthday, then forget to send the card you said you were sending, *then* add to that you have also been meaning to send mail that I’d received for the last two months, saying “it looks like it’s pretty important.”. Wow. I must be regular thought process there.
My dad has been more of a parent to me in the last few years than he ever has been in my life. Dad has also found religion and attends a local Baptist church near where he and my step-mom have retired to... I’ve attended one service there and I found myself actually enjoying the service. It wasn’t the tradition fire and brimstone, rather it was applying the Christian teachings and principals to life in the world today. It was a pleasant shock to me and if that is part of the reason that Dad and I are actually getting along better, then God bless him.
Religion: I’ve come to realize that I don’t follow Shamanism, Celtic Druidism, or Wicca. I have my own religion and structure which I’ve started exploring for myself. In many ways, I feel that my intense suffering and self-loathing are ways that the Fates are forcing me to look into myself and learn about what I believe and how I believe it. I’ve started working on documenting my beliefs and their structure. It will likely be a short book of interest only to me, but I still have the calling to write it and offer it as a path of teaching for others.
Friends: My friends are a love/hate relationship. I love them to the ends of the world, and I hate that I can’t see them as often as I’d like. Most of my Minnesota friends were up in the St. Cloud area. I know quite a few people here in the Twin Cities, but none of them has gone out of their way to ask me about doing anything, much less even dropped me an e-mail saying “hi” or anything else. Normally, I don’t sweat distant friends, but right now, I totally feel like my life is disintegrating and ...
I need help. I need those people to lean on...those same people who have always leaned on me. But where are they?
Life Knowledge: I feel like everything I know is wrong. Everytime I think I have my life in order and things are settling down, that I’ll be able to get back on my own two feet, in my own place, and self-supporting...something gives. My back goes out, huge car expenses, something. Is there a lesson here for me to learn? It’s not like I’m trying to live extravagently, basic survival seems tough right now.
Self-Esteem: For me to sit here and type up a list of things that is going terribly wrong in my life, to allow my friends to see me shattered and broken, for the friends who are used to seeing me as an umovable stone to see my crying in despair, and feeling like I don’t have anything to offer to anyone except pain and misery. But there is something inside me, the caregiver aspect of my personality, the aspect that rules my life and beliefs, that won’t let me give up and try to reset my time on this mortal coil. It won’t let me inflict that kind of pain/trauma on my friends and those around me. Not because I think I’m all that, rather that my friends think I’m that strong and they depend on me...and I know that if I did kill myself (and Goddess do I want to...I can’t take it anymore) that they would be that hurt and that distraught by it.
It’s also very painful for me to have to face the lies that I’ve built around myself for so long. I’m not the strong person I’ve even convinced myself that I am. I am an asshole. I do treat people like shit. Sadly, much of the time, I don’t realize it. It’s not that I’m doing it intentionally. I’m so distraught by pain and the pain of living, that I just lash out. If I don’t lash out, then I turn it inwards...and withdraw.
Good night world. I’m physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted.
I’ve reached the end. I’m going to be finding a solid mental health program that hopefully can deal with pain management as well...and I’m going to be taking an extended vacation if at all possible.
There are so many reasons why I want to check out of this world...but I can’t. It’s nothing to do with me. I know that I don’t matter in the big (or little) scheme of things, but I also can’t knowingly inflict the trauma of a suicide on the people around me who mistaken see a strong caring person inside of me.
It’s not that I don’t have the strength to go out, that I have. It’s the soft caring part of me that can’t do it others.
Reasons I want to go (in no particular order)
Pain. I have a slipping disc in my low back and I live in constant pain. I hadn’t realized how much the pain dominated my life until one of my best friends who was in the ER with me last weekend pointed out that once I had been filled up with pain killers, I was the nice caring person they always knew was there. I don’t notice the pain, but apparently my moods/behaviours bely the fact that I’m suffering.
Finances: At this very moment, I need $818.92 to get my truck payments current, reinstate my truck insurance, and to un-overdraft by two debit cards. I’m jobless at the moment and with my back having gone out, I’ve not been able to really get out and hard core job hunt like I should have been. Almost $1000 to just get back to even, so I can start the cycle all over again immediately.
Living Arrangements: This is in no way a reflection on the generosity and kindness of the friends I’m currently crashed with...they have done so much more than any friends should be asked to do or even should do really. But being crashed out in someone’s loft with no true privacy, two cats who alternate between friendly and standoffish, and knowing you are going to be in this situation for a few months... isn’t not all that great on the self-esteem or the feeling of being an independant adult.
Food: I’m falling back into a habit that I’m trying to break. I’ve starting reverting to my bulemic eating habits again. I binge in the wee hours of the morning, huge carb heavy meals, then I try to “balance” it by not eating during the day...which leads to me being overly hungry...and then having two or three “dinners” followed by the late night binge which is fueled by the depression and the fact that I’ve failed in controlling my eating.
Romance: There are two people in the last year who have stolen my heart away from me. One of them has smashed it, tried to put it all back together and make it all nice, and then smashed it again. The same person also seems to think that flirting with me at anytime and making romantic propositions is okay as well. Guess what. It’s not. I’m tired of it, I’ve told you this, and you still continue. Yeah, I do still have feelings for you, but with your actions of late, it’s turning from what was the beginnings of love into the beginnings of hatred. The other person, if they weren’t heterosexual... He’s one of my best friends and for all the reasons that make him a great best friend, it’s the long talks about life, religion, and other “touchy” subjects that have shown me that he, like me, is a rough and tough, gruff exterior, hiding a smart caring man inside.
Medical Care: What was originally thought to be MS, turns out to be the slipped disc (see
Pain’ previously mentioned in this list). So, I have long term pain management issues there. I’m diabetic, unmaintained, unregulated, and praying that I am doing okay with my own sugar levels. Do I know what mine are? No. Can’t afford a tester or strips or any of that. Other than my diabetes and my low back, I am actually doing quite well healthwise. Just the constant fear of the diabetes complications and the constant pain...
Parents: Oddly, this is one of those situations where I have no idea why things are going how they are going. My mother, since moving to Arkansas a few years ago to care for her parents, has been getting more and more involved with her church. I’m not knocking her religion or choice of denominations, but when you are so wrapped up in a project your church is affiliated with that you forget your own son’s birthday, then forget to send the card you said you were sending, *then* add to that you have also been meaning to send mail that I’d received for the last two months, saying “it looks like it’s pretty important.”. Wow. I must be regular thought process there.
My dad has been more of a parent to me in the last few years than he ever has been in my life. Dad has also found religion and attends a local Baptist church near where he and my step-mom have retired to... I’ve attended one service there and I found myself actually enjoying the service. It wasn’t the tradition fire and brimstone, rather it was applying the Christian teachings and principals to life in the world today. It was a pleasant shock to me and if that is part of the reason that Dad and I are actually getting along better, then God bless him.
Religion: I’ve come to realize that I don’t follow Shamanism, Celtic Druidism, or Wicca. I have my own religion and structure which I’ve started exploring for myself. In many ways, I feel that my intense suffering and self-loathing are ways that the Fates are forcing me to look into myself and learn about what I believe and how I believe it. I’ve started working on documenting my beliefs and their structure. It will likely be a short book of interest only to me, but I still have the calling to write it and offer it as a path of teaching for others.
Friends: My friends are a love/hate relationship. I love them to the ends of the world, and I hate that I can’t see them as often as I’d like. Most of my Minnesota friends were up in the St. Cloud area. I know quite a few people here in the Twin Cities, but none of them has gone out of their way to ask me about doing anything, much less even dropped me an e-mail saying “hi” or anything else. Normally, I don’t sweat distant friends, but right now, I totally feel like my life is disintegrating and ...
I need help. I need those people to lean on...those same people who have always leaned on me. But where are they?
Life Knowledge: I feel like everything I know is wrong. Everytime I think I have my life in order and things are settling down, that I’ll be able to get back on my own two feet, in my own place, and self-supporting...something gives. My back goes out, huge car expenses, something. Is there a lesson here for me to learn? It’s not like I’m trying to live extravagently, basic survival seems tough right now.
Self-Esteem: For me to sit here and type up a list of things that is going terribly wrong in my life, to allow my friends to see me shattered and broken, for the friends who are used to seeing me as an umovable stone to see my crying in despair, and feeling like I don’t have anything to offer to anyone except pain and misery. But there is something inside me, the caregiver aspect of my personality, the aspect that rules my life and beliefs, that won’t let me give up and try to reset my time on this mortal coil. It won’t let me inflict that kind of pain/trauma on my friends and those around me. Not because I think I’m all that, rather that my friends think I’m that strong and they depend on me...and I know that if I did kill myself (and Goddess do I want to...I can’t take it anymore) that they would be that hurt and that distraught by it.
It’s also very painful for me to have to face the lies that I’ve built around myself for so long. I’m not the strong person I’ve even convinced myself that I am. I am an asshole. I do treat people like shit. Sadly, much of the time, I don’t realize it. It’s not that I’m doing it intentionally. I’m so distraught by pain and the pain of living, that I just lash out. If I don’t lash out, then I turn it inwards...and withdraw.
Good night world. I’m physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted.
02 October 2005
It's official
Well, I just figured out what I need to catch up and just be current on bills:
*sigh*
Can I just win the lottery or at least get the Hilton job? Pretty please?
*sigh*
Can I just win the lottery or at least get the Hilton job? Pretty please?
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