I’ve reached the end. I’m going to be finding a solid mental health program that hopefully can deal with pain management as well...and I’m going to be taking an extended vacation if at all possible.
There are so many reasons why I want to check out of this world...but I can’t. It’s nothing to do with me. I know that I don’t matter in the big (or little) scheme of things, but I also can’t knowingly inflict the trauma of a suicide on the people around me who mistaken see a strong caring person inside of me.
It’s not that I don’t have the strength to go out, that I have. It’s the soft caring part of me that can’t do it others.
Reasons I want to go (in no particular order)
Pain. I have a slipping disc in my low back and I live in constant pain. I hadn’t realized how much the pain dominated my life until one of my best friends who was in the ER with me last weekend pointed out that once I had been filled up with pain killers, I was the nice caring person they always knew was there. I don’t notice the pain, but apparently my moods/behaviours bely the fact that I’m suffering.
Finances: At this very moment, I need $818.92 to get my truck payments current, reinstate my truck insurance, and to un-overdraft by two debit cards. I’m jobless at the moment and with my back having gone out, I’ve not been able to really get out and hard core job hunt like I should have been. Almost $1000 to just get back to even, so I can start the cycle all over again immediately.
Living Arrangements: This is in no way a reflection on the generosity and kindness of the friends I’m currently crashed with...they have done so much more than any friends should be asked to do or even should do really. But being crashed out in someone’s loft with no true privacy, two cats who alternate between friendly and standoffish, and knowing you are going to be in this situation for a few months... isn’t not all that great on the self-esteem or the feeling of being an independant adult.
Food: I’m falling back into a habit that I’m trying to break. I’ve starting reverting to my bulemic eating habits again. I binge in the wee hours of the morning, huge carb heavy meals, then I try to “balance” it by not eating during the day...which leads to me being overly hungry...and then having two or three “dinners” followed by the late night binge which is fueled by the depression and the fact that I’ve failed in controlling my eating.
Romance: There are two people in the last year who have stolen my heart away from me. One of them has smashed it, tried to put it all back together and make it all nice, and then smashed it again. The same person also seems to think that flirting with me at anytime and making romantic propositions is okay as well. Guess what. It’s not. I’m tired of it, I’ve told you this, and you still continue. Yeah, I do still have feelings for you, but with your actions of late, it’s turning from what was the beginnings of love into the beginnings of hatred. The other person, if they weren’t heterosexual... He’s one of my best friends and for all the reasons that make him a great best friend, it’s the long talks about life, religion, and other “touchy” subjects that have shown me that he, like me, is a rough and tough, gruff exterior, hiding a smart caring man inside.
Medical Care: What was originally thought to be MS, turns out to be the slipped disc (see
Pain’ previously mentioned in this list). So, I have long term pain management issues there. I’m diabetic, unmaintained, unregulated, and praying that I am doing okay with my own sugar levels. Do I know what mine are? No. Can’t afford a tester or strips or any of that. Other than my diabetes and my low back, I am actually doing quite well healthwise. Just the constant fear of the diabetes complications and the constant pain...
Parents: Oddly, this is one of those situations where I have no idea why things are going how they are going. My mother, since moving to Arkansas a few years ago to care for her parents, has been getting more and more involved with her church. I’m not knocking her religion or choice of denominations, but when you are so wrapped up in a project your church is affiliated with that you forget your own son’s birthday, then forget to send the card you said you were sending, *then* add to that you have also been meaning to send mail that I’d received for the last two months, saying “it looks like it’s pretty important.”. Wow. I must be regular thought process there.
My dad has been more of a parent to me in the last few years than he ever has been in my life. Dad has also found religion and attends a local Baptist church near where he and my step-mom have retired to... I’ve attended one service there and I found myself actually enjoying the service. It wasn’t the tradition fire and brimstone, rather it was applying the Christian teachings and principals to life in the world today. It was a pleasant shock to me and if that is part of the reason that Dad and I are actually getting along better, then God bless him.
Religion: I’ve come to realize that I don’t follow Shamanism, Celtic Druidism, or Wicca. I have my own religion and structure which I’ve started exploring for myself. In many ways, I feel that my intense suffering and self-loathing are ways that the Fates are forcing me to look into myself and learn about what I believe and how I believe it. I’ve started working on documenting my beliefs and their structure. It will likely be a short book of interest only to me, but I still have the calling to write it and offer it as a path of teaching for others.
Friends: My friends are a love/hate relationship. I love them to the ends of the world, and I hate that I can’t see them as often as I’d like. Most of my Minnesota friends were up in the St. Cloud area. I know quite a few people here in the Twin Cities, but none of them has gone out of their way to ask me about doing anything, much less even dropped me an e-mail saying “hi” or anything else. Normally, I don’t sweat distant friends, but right now, I totally feel like my life is disintegrating and ...
I need help. I need those people to lean on...those same people who have always leaned on me. But where are they?
Life Knowledge: I feel like everything I know is wrong. Everytime I think I have my life in order and things are settling down, that I’ll be able to get back on my own two feet, in my own place, and self-supporting...something gives. My back goes out, huge car expenses, something. Is there a lesson here for me to learn? It’s not like I’m trying to live extravagently, basic survival seems tough right now.
Self-Esteem: For me to sit here and type up a list of things that is going terribly wrong in my life, to allow my friends to see me shattered and broken, for the friends who are used to seeing me as an umovable stone to see my crying in despair, and feeling like I don’t have anything to offer to anyone except pain and misery. But there is something inside me, the caregiver aspect of my personality, the aspect that rules my life and beliefs, that won’t let me give up and try to reset my time on this mortal coil. It won’t let me inflict that kind of pain/trauma on my friends and those around me. Not because I think I’m all that, rather that my friends think I’m that strong and they depend on me...and I know that if I did kill myself (and Goddess do I want to...I can’t take it anymore) that they would be that hurt and that distraught by it.
It’s also very painful for me to have to face the lies that I’ve built around myself for so long. I’m not the strong person I’ve even convinced myself that I am. I am an asshole. I do treat people like shit. Sadly, much of the time, I don’t realize it. It’s not that I’m doing it intentionally. I’m so distraught by pain and the pain of living, that I just lash out. If I don’t lash out, then I turn it inwards...and withdraw.
Good night world. I’m physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted.
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