Whoa.

I was sitting here tonight talking to my friend Jim. We were having a light conversation about Australia since we both want to go there to study for a semester. I pulled out my Tarot cards and was doing some basic readings with him when I felt a presence come rushing into my room.

I paused and knew I knew the presence. It was quickly joined by another presence I knew. It was two spirits that I had with me since I was about 10 and I've always just known they were my brother and sister.

They were absolutely demanding that I pay attention to them which is odd as they normally "visit" and then move on. I couldn't understand them, but I knew that something it was something with the Illinois trip which I planned today for Spring Break. I'm going to fly down on the 8th of March, go to a couple of hockey games in Peoria, then visit with my dad for a few days.

The only part of the message I could get was that it was something physical that would hit me like a ton of bricks. I asked Jim about it and so he tried getting the message from them. He got a huge subconcious trauma that would crumble me but would leave me better off afterwards. As I thought about this, I suddenly had a huge flaring pain in the side of my head and my right lower jaw. I knew what was going to happen...and I prayed to the Goddess I was wrong.

I looked at Jim and asked him to try to contact my "siblings" once again as I wanted to ask about a certain name. Two actually. I asked him about "Corey" and got no response. Then I asked about "Adam" and both spirits shook violently then left. Jim said he got a flash of an East Coast city...he thought it was New Jersey, maybe Pennsylvania.

Adam was my first boyfriend. In the last couple of months of our relationship, he grew violent and one time he punched me in the side of the head, then the jaw, then tried to beat the shit out of me. The last anyone I knew had heard anything about Adam, he was living near Philadelphia, PA.

Am I going to run into Adam? Goddess, I hope not. The last I knew he wanted to "finish what he started." This coming from a man who told people a year after we broke up that he wished I was dead...or that he could take care of me himself.

Such happy thoughts. I'm putting up walls of protection all over the place and will be casting several rituals in the next week.

Mr. Rogers passed away.

I grew up with Mr. Rogers and I always said I'd want my own kids to watch him instead of Barney.

He passed away Thursday after a brief battle with stomach cancer.

I know I'll miss him.

So apparently...redux

So, I have a decent guy after me quasi-locally...and once he hits 18, he'll be datable.

The only other bites I've had locally are a 49 year old guy who I happened to meet out at Quarry Park at the public swimming hole.

Maybe I should be seeing the signs and get ready to move...somewhere far far away.

Like a mountain in Idaho.

So apparently...

Okay, this is turning out to be one f*cked up day...

I've been hit on by two escorts on gay.com who apparently think I'm either rich or totally desperate.
Both aren't bad looking, but who the f*ck is gonna pay for play? Oh wait, I know people who have. Never mind...

I'm totally sapped for energy today. I dunno why, but I am. I think this past weekend was much more taxing on my than I realized, both physically and spiritually.

I'm just drained out.

The guy in Nova Scotia who I'm really interested in is having a really bad day and though he won't admit to it, I think that our interest in each other is feeding his sadness and stress. If he wasn't in Canada or if I wasn't in the US...but we are and emigration is painful at its best.

My mom is trying to get me to move to Arkansas. I have *no* idea why. I mean really, what would a semi-cultured, intelligent, and urbane gay man like myself do in small-town Arkansas. The biggest town within 100 miles is only 110,000 and it's in the middle of a dry county. She's pointing out jobs that I could get, selling me on apartments and houses, and how cheap used cars are down there.

Mom, no, really, I DO NOT want to live in Arkansas. It may be warmer in winter, but summers are a humid mosquito filled nightmare. I wouldn't subject my husband to living there and I KNOW I won't find a husband there.

Oh well, it's just one of those days.

EAS 380

Well, last Friday I'd commented here that most people do *not* pass EAS 380 the first time. We took our second quiz last Thursday and I wasn't all that confident about it.

We got it back today.

111 of 120 points. 92.5%

WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!

Other than that...our big plotting project is due in one week in 380.

Otherwise, I have a 5 page paper and a test in CSCI 201 on Friday.

HURL 201 we get the take-home midterm on Thursday due next Tuesday...

and Math 112 keeps plugging along and I feel like I'm treading water some days and eyeing the dive board on other days.

All in all, so far...so good.

Lynch mob forms here

Okay, some thing happened on 9th floor of our building at about 4:40am.

The fire alarms go off....and I get to spend 20 minutes freezing my @$$ off outside.

4 Public Safety Officers
4 St. Cloud Patrol Officers
1 St. Cloud Fire Ladder Truck

All of 9th floor was being diverted to the main lobby lounge when we were let back in the building.

My experienced guess is that someone managed to set off a sprinkler.

Either way, I have a large algebra quiz is just under 7 hours.

Let's see here...

Ah yes, sleep perchance to dream of that man in Halifax...

and to escape from the brutality of reality.


Let's see. I'm not ready for the math quiz at noon today.

All my hockey.net accounts are f*cked that's to infinetvity/Pixius screwing them all up.

I found out today as well that most people do *not* pass EAS 380 the first time.

Let's recap my financial aid conditions for this term.

I get a "D" "F" or "W" and I lose all my aid...now see previous note about EAS 380.

Oh well. So much for college. It's been fun.

Stocky Jock News

One of my models, who I'd already taken a preliminary photo shoot of (and got a few good pix) has decided no more pictures and that's that.

He's requested that I *not* post the pix that he'd already agreed to have posted.


Grrrr...

So I'm hunting for models in the central Minnesota area...

Funny Quote

My friend Anthony regarding a conversation about whether or not Fred Durst is gay:


It wouldn't mean we'd have a chance with him. He'd have fags all over him like fat kids on smarties.

Happiness is ...

having the guy you think is boyfriend material call you just to hear your voice...

laying on your bed and having the moon shining on your face...

seeing something that reminds you that the God and Goddess are everywhere...

knowing you have great friends in your life...

Ya know...for as long as I've thought my life was miserable, I realize that I'm truly blessed.


Blessed be...

Follow-up on ritual (long).

Jim and I did do the first part of the ritual as planned.

Oddly, I was the only one skyclad. Jim stayed in his street clothes. Normally, we are both skyclad.

The first part of the ritual went smoothly, but there were a couple of parts to my ritual that I knew I needed to explain to Jim before I attempted them. The first part was just simply drawing down the God and the Goddess and recharge some of my drained energy. The second part was partially a sexuality rite. I was planning on using the powers of the God and the Goddess to help me to manage my desires and to help me to grow and realize that I don't need to dwell on the fact that I don't have a man in my life and that I don't need to have one. The fact that I've been single and dateless for a long period of time has been weighing on my heavily.



Jim had cast the circle and brought the power to keep it in place. I felt it was only right to explain to him what I was doing and how. My concern was that during the sexuality rites, since it is ecstatically based, there was a good chance of spontaneous arousal. I felt that Jim should be aware of that and that if he wanted to leave, he could.

The only problem with that is he had raised the circle and it was his energy. If the closed the circle and left, I would have to raise my own circle and do my rites, then he would have to re-raise the circle. All of this would completely circumvent the point of the ritual.

I explained the drawing down part of it to Jim and he understood that perfectly as he'd seen it before.

When I started explaining the second part of it, I started explaining the nature of the ritual and he just looked at me and said "This is ritual. You are dealing with an ecstatic ritual and the mind doesn't realize that it's not a physical stimulation, it just knows it is being stimulated. Do your ritual, it won't bother me."

I just sat there, mouth open. I could feel the understanding and power coming from Jim to calm me down. I felt myself starting to get aroused from the energy. It was as if he was sending a stream of ecstatic energy to me. I was suddenly aware of my growing arousal but yet I wasn't concerned about it.

I fought and regained control. I sat looking at Jim and at that point, I knew that a barrier had been broken.

I told him that I didn't want to offend him with my ritual. It wasn't meant to be sexual, but because it was involving sexualty...
He said he understood and that he was glad that I had explained it to him as he wasn't sure what kind of vibe he was getting off me, but he knew there were sexual undertones to it.

I looked at Jim and I knew that in the safety of the circle, I could be open and honest, so I was.

I told him about the fact that if I think about him while I'm aroused or try to have a sexual fantasy about him, I get physically ill. I told him that I had fantasized about him, but not in any way like that. I told him that I have romantic fantasies about him laying on my bed, holding him, and talking of the world and life and religion. I told him that I respected the fact that he was straight and that I wouldn't make any moves towards him because I respect him as a person and as a friend. I told him what I found attractive and intriguing about him. I did something I rarely do any more. I opened myself and had a deep honest conversation with a friend. By the time I was done, I was expecting the circle of power to come crashing down and Jim to storm out of my room.

Jim looked at me and smiled. I couldn't make out his meaning behind the smile though. He paused for a moment, then he said that he was glad we'd had this conversation because he was somewhat uncomfortable at times around me because he knew I had a romantic interest in him. He said he was flattered and was glad that I had seen him for who he was and not just some well built guy around campus. He said that he felt much more comfortable knowing that indeed I did have a romantic interest in him, but he also felt much better knowing that I respected him as a friend and that I wouldn't make any moves towards him.

Then it was Jim's turn to let out things from the deep dark corners of his heart. I'll not repeat his revelations here out of respect for him. Suffice it to say, I was quite shocked, but yet I wasn't. I have more respect for Jim now than I did before the start of the ritual.

We had a deep discussion about how most people assume he is gay, when he isn't. I told him why I think many people do think he is gay. He understood it, then I explained to him that most people assume I'm straight and why. We are both very much alike, but yet on opposite ends. We don't fit what society says we should be. I'm the one who drove a pickup, screams and yells at hockey games, keeps a house that looks like a bachelor pad, shops at WalMart. Jim is very fashion concious, meticulous about his hair, sensitive, occasionally "gay acting" in that he has a few motions and actions that could be construed as "gay". It was a very deep and honest conversation and we both came to understand each other better. I would be remiss here if I didn't say that I also think he is gay or at least bi. I won't go into the details as many of them were things I know he would not want repeated from our conversation. I respect Jim for his life and his orientation no matter what it is.

We wrapped up our conversation as Jim had other things he needed to do, and since I had been able to recharge myself somewhat, we closed the circle and Jim left.

I recast a personal circle and completed the parts of the ritual that I had needed to complete. It was so glorious to feel the God and the Goddess in my room and refilling my spirit. I hadn't realized how drained I was and how much danger I was in because of the drain. I completed my second ritual with few problems. The biggest problem being nearly burning myself while casting part of the ritual with two candle in front of me. I could still feel Jim's energy in the room and could feel him watching me still.



Jim and I have bonded, not only as friends but as fellow healers. We still have our secrets that we will never uncover but we also know that we have a friend who is there for them, no matter what or when.

Jim knows that if my door is open or unlocked, he can walk in. He knows and is comfortable with the fact that I'm a nudist and he also knows that he is allowed to step into a ritual circle that I have cast.

I am truly blessed to have met someone like Jim who is able to help me understand myself and learn lessons that I need to learn. I pray that I can be much of a factor in his life as he has been in mine.

I still think Jim has other major issues that will surface soon, but only time will allow him to deal with his inner torments.

Post-Ritual Notes

Jim and I completed his part of the ritual this evening.

All went well aside from the fact that we both revealed more about each other to each other than either one of us expected.

He now fully understands that I do have a romantic interest in him, but that I also realize that I have no chance with him at all. He's actually relieved because any ambiguity about where he stood with me has been resolved. I found out some of his deepest darkest secrets and well, they aren't that deep or that dark. Uncommon yes, deep and/or dark no.

I have a much better understanding of Jim now and I realize that as wonderful a man he is, he is much more a friend who can teach me about myself and my spiritual gifts.

I respect Jim. I think he is a wonderful man and I realize that he is someone very special and powerful who has entered my life with many lessons to teach me. I am lucky as well to be able to offer what I know to him to help him learn about himself.

You know, before I would have cried, whined, bitched, and complained to the God and Goddess for teasing/tempting me with someone like Jim. Now I realize that he was put here to show me that friends come in all varieties and that friendship is more important than a relationship.

I still would like to have a man in my life, but the burning desire to have a man in my life has been greatly quenched by realizing that I've looked too hard and too long for something that just needs to happen.

The Ritual, Part Two

Well, it's not nearly as bad as I thought.

I have a hematite fetish that I've had for about six months.

It has always been a source of consternation for me. It likes to hit me in the head, hit my glasses, and generally cause problems. I decided I was going to clean it ritually and move the energy that was in it elsewhere.

Well, I forgot a few minor details. Namely, a two week long spell requires a massive amount of energy. Last night was the two week mark of that ritual. Everyone has noticed that my room is very calm and tranquil. I thought it was just a balance of power. It was/is. The balance of power being shifted dramatically away from me.

The ritual that is working on the stone is so powerful and the amount of shielding that I have keeping the energy in place has totally drained me and my surroundings. The calm tranquility of my room is the after-effect of my being totally drained of energy.

I had my abilities reawaken (re-surface actually) this morning. I couldn't look at anyone at lunch today becuase if I did, they turned around and looked at me as if I'd just tapped them on the shoulder. As I walked past people, I saw their aura and I could feel their emotional energy or lack of energy.

Jim and I are going to do a double ritual tonight. He will be casting the circle and working with the stone. He will be attempting to determine the nature of the energy in it and how best to deal with it. While he is doing that, I will be casting a smaller circle within his circle to allow myself to draw down energy from the God and Goddess.

I wish I had a camera that could allow me to capture the magick of the ritual. It's something that is amazing to watch as well at be a particpant.

At best, I would be able to take pictures of the ritual but it wouldn't be the same. I may ask Jim at some point if he would be willing to allow me to take pictures of him/us in ritual and/or have him take pictures of me in ritual. I think it would be really cool and it would also help me to document my rituals and learn from others.

Rituals and problems

So last night was the full moon.

I needed to finish a ritual for a stone I have that has some major negative energy in it.
(I wear it, it's always flying up and hitting me in the face).

Two of my friends who work with energy have expressed major concerns over the stone.

It's been cleaning in a container of sea salt and a strong ritual.

I also need to ground some major negative energy and emotion that have come up in the last week.
It's definately been the full moon this week. Energy has been flying all over the place. I've gotten
pissed off at more people this week than I have in the past six months.

Most of them have been delineated in previous LJ entries with only one addition. I'm not sure I'm
even going to get terribly concerned about that one.

What I need to do is to have Jim (the guy down the hall) help me do a ritual cleansing or I need to track down a long lost friend who I've not talked to in almost 10 years. They are the only two people I know who can do a cleansing ritual well and do it properly. It's something I could attempt to do to myself but it's a risky proposition to open yourself up with only yourself to guard youself.

I think I know where I picked up the negativity from, but I want to make sure and I want to get rid of it.

Wierd turns...

So for the last few days, I've been talking to Anthony, a hot lil cub in Halifax, Nova Scotia (Maritimes of Canada for the geography challenged).

I've known him for a few years and like all things, we've stopped talking for a while due to school, work, etc and then we start talking again.

I'd forgotten just how sweet he is, but over the last week, we've been talking again. He's still as sweet, still battling the same self-esteem/self-worth issues that I battle, and still single about a year.

He's the kind of cub I could really get to know and settle down with if the situation were right.

Now the question is...

Why does Anthony re-appear now in the midst of all the wierd man problems I've been having and why does he have to be in Halifax, Nova Scotia??

Such are the deep questions of life...

Trivia from the VH1 Classic Forums...

*EVEN MORE TRIVIA!: In reference to U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" in an interview, Boy George replied "He's behind the drums!" (Boy George fancies U2's Larry Mullen, Jr.)

--

I have to say, this is one case where I'm in total agreement with Boy George :)

Odd flashbacks and pain...

Over the last couple of weeks, my friend Mike and I have had some pretty intense conversations via AIM about sex, bondage, and assorted things that we'd like to have done to us or that we'd like to do.

He's talked about coming up here and us getting a hotel room and that kind of thing.

Last night, we were talking about life and I was plenty pissed about men and how the only two guys that are anywhere near me that trip my trigger are both straight. The only other two guys that really have me interested are Jason in Cleveland (more on his shortly) and Mike (who's in Milwaukee).

Mike's follow up to that was "There's only three guys I'm interested in or wanna get busy with, they are 800, 1400, and 2000 miles away (ed. some numbers close to that) and they are all straight."

I did a double take. If they only three guys he's interested in are that far away and are all straight....

Yes kids, I've been led on for some cheap jollies apparently. Yeah. I feel wonderful.

So after all this, I'm battling with a simple C++ program for class today. I'm having problems with it, partially because I hacked up the code in about five minutes and because once again, I was overachieving and trying to use functions and code I haven't used before and really hadn't seen before either.

Jason offers to help me with it, then proceeds to rip me apart for lack of logic, messy code, and all this other stuff. I told him that I was in an Intro to Comp Sci class and he was like "Still, it's lousy code."

Fuck him and fuck his attitude. It's bad enough that trying to talk to him is like trying to call the White House and getting the President to answer the phone. I really thought Jason was a nice guy...and he may be...but he *really* rubbed me the wrong way.

Oh well. So to summarize in a handy lil table...


Tom (who I role play with): cute, romantic, going to medical school next year....and straight

Jim (who lives down the hall): cute, romantic, majoring in Earth Science...and straight (very proud of it, he brings it up all the time.

Jason (in Cleveland *strike one*): Cute, romantic, 18 (strike two), but very sharp (intelligent), but full of attitude and nearly impossible to carry on a conversation with...

Mike (in Milwaukee): Handsome, romantic, kinky, funny...but he has the unintentional ability to jerk my heart around. He broke up with me long ago due to personal strife in his life (work and parents) and I still have a soft spot for him. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with the emotional wringer he's putting me through on a regular basis.

Spam Subject...

"You could be driving a shiny new pussy"


My first thought?
"How often do you have to buff the muff to keep it shiny?"

God, I hate spam, but everyonce in a while...it turns humourous.

Quote for the day

Sleep: The only escape from the cruelty of reality. -- Me

Heterosexual Badge of Courage

There's this really hot guy down the hall. Jim is about 5'7" 190lbs, blondish hair, blue eyes, nicely built. He's smart, a fellow Craft practioner.

He says he's comfortable with his own sexuality and most of the time, I believe it. (We've performed a couple of rituals together, both skyclad.) We talk hockey, Craft, and deep life issues. No problems at all.

But if I mention anything about a guy who's attractive, he's suddenly has to make sure that his heterosexuality is asserted.

I've known many straight men like this.

If they are so comfortable in their sexuality, why do they need to constantly re-affirm their hetero status?

Are they just insecure about it? Insecure that a man might find them attractive? Insecure that they might be percieved as gay or *gasp* they are gay.

OH MY FUCKING GODDESS!!!!!!!!

WATCH VH1 Classic tonight (2/10) between 8p and 8:30pm CT.

The fourth video during the "Classic All Request Hour" is ...

Vitamin Z - Burning Flame (Version 2)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The first single from Vitamin Z and the VIDEO no less!

I never thought I'd see the video in my life!!

Vitamin Z made videos for six of the eight songs on their debut LP "Rites of Passage" and I've never seen a one of them until today.

*bounces off the walls like a crackhead bear on speed*