Long catch up post...

I just got back from spending a week in Arkansas. I went down to visit my mom and step-dad and to also see my grandfather (mom's dad) for the last time. His health has been deteriorating recently and he's been in the hospital for the last month.

Mom gave me the choice of getting money for clothes and stuff or I could have a round-trip ticket to visit them. I took the ticket and flew down.

I got into Memphis at 12:10am and finally got my bags about 1am and got to Mom's house about 3am. We got up that morning (Christmas Eve) and went to Cave City to visit some of my step-dad's family.

(Quick note. My mom divorced my dad. She remarried to my dad's sister's son. Yes, my Aunt is now my step-grandmother. o/~ I'm my own grandpaaaaaaaa o/~)

I'd not seen that part of the family in at least five years, so it was nice to see them and finally see some "long lost" cousins. It snowed while we were heading over to Cave City and most of the time we were there. We only had a couple of inches, but for AR, it was a decent snowfall, and well, it was a white Christmas Eve, something we did not have in Minnesota.

Christmas Day was the big meal at Mom's house. My cousin Patricia, her husband and two kids were there (those kids are so well behaved...seriously!). My Aunt Annette (Mom's sister) was there with her husband and daughter, as where Vance and Nina (my step dad's mom and dad, my Aunt Annette, and her husband Jim, Jim's daughter from his previous wife was there (Samantha) and later in the afternoon, his other daughter (April, age 20) showed up with her very hot and husky fiancee. (DAMNIT!)

I finally met THE baby on Christmas night! Annette's daughter Julie (an 18 year old drugged up mess of a slut) got knocked up and had the most beautiful baby girl named Asia. She turned four months old on Christmas Day. She is the sweetest baby. Mom and Les are planning to adopt her if they can... I'd have a sister (gulp).

From there it was all downhill, literally. Grandpa was going downhill again and we went to the hospital on Thursday. I nearly broke down when I saw him. I'd last seen him two years ago at Thanksgiving. He was old then (82) but he was still up and around and doing okay. He'd been goin down hill since then, but I hadn't gathered just how far he'd gone.

He'd fallen out of his hospital bed twice, breaking his foot and shattering his pelvis. He'd had a stroke which rendered him blind. His kidneys and liver are failing... I saw the man who taught me to play poker, who told me the best baudy jokes, and had always been the real highlight of my trips down home, laying in a hospital bed with all kinds of tubes and shit...gasping for air.

I just stopped and stared at him for probably 15 minutes. It was all I could do. I couldn't register anything but what was happening in front of me. The hardest part of it was that my cousin Tamara (Annette's daughter, age 11) had gotten Grandpa a deck of cards for Christmas and we all knew that's what she'd gotten him. None of us could open the gift for him, because we knew he was blind, and we knew in our hearts that he'd almost certainly not leave the hospital alive.

When I wasn't at the hospital (most of the time by my own choosing), I was at Mom's house watching TV or reading. When Mom was around, she was carrying on about how Julie had done this, or Johnny (her brother) had done that...and so on ad nauseum. Add to this, Mom being strung out over finances and also totally strung out about the well-being of the baby...

Finally, Saturday night, we were gonna leave from the hospital and Les, Mom, Annette, Jim and I were going to have "a nice dinner before (I) leave". Well, Julie couldn't get a ride to pick up the baby, so we had the baby for dinner. Oh, it was a lovely dinner. I was effectively ignored whilst the baby was cooed at and played with. Once dinner was served and the baby was asleep, I was ignored for the next round of the daily bitch-o-rama.

The only high point of the entire dinner was the very attractive and obviously gay waiter who kept flirting with me. *smiles*

I was so ready to leave I couldn't sleep last night. All I could think about was getting to Memphis and getting on the plane. I was pissed off at the family for doing nothing more than bitching and fighting all the time, for being ignored for the baby, and also totally devastated by seeing Grandpa in that condition.

Tonight, after I was back in Minneapolis; Dan, Sally, Joe , and I went to Olive Garden for dinner (to treat me) and on the way back, I rode home with Dan and just let everything go. I went from anger to cryin a few times...but it was good to get it all off my chest and start putting it behind me.

No matter what the family does that I disagree with...I'll always have my memories of sitting at the dining room table passing the afternoons away with Grandpa playing cards, listening to his baudy jokes from the Second World War, and now I realize that no matter how much I looked forward to that, it won't happen again. I still have the memories of those great times and I'll cherish those. The family arguments upset me, but they will never tarnish my memories of Grandpa and summer afternoons having a beer and playing cards.

Sometimes, it takes the loss of a loved one to realize how much they meant to you. If we are really blessed, we realize that those who are still with us are just as special and we need to tell them and enjoy those good times while we can.

Open Heart and Open Mind

I realized something as I sat here listening to music...

My heart isn't truly frozen over like I thought. It's just become more particular in who it gets worked up about. Right now, there are two people who are on my radar. Mikey is still there and there is Jason in Cleveland.

Mikey and I have a long history...(read back through all my live journals) and my emotions still run deep for him.

Jason is the newcomer on the scene. I've been talking to him online for a few months. He's a smart, good looking, funny cub who isn't afraid to do things his way and society be damned. He's majoring in bio-medical research and computer science. (ooh, geek cub!)

I know that Mikey will just be a dear friend and I'm content with that. Jason, well, who knows, but he's definately a strong blip on my radar screen.

Rather than seeing the glass and empty with a couple of drops of water in it, I know that I'm lucky to have as many great friends as I do in Dan, Sally, , , , and to also have experienced love like I have as well.

Deep philosophical stuff...

If you don't want to hear the details of the emotional workings of my mind...

STOP READING NOW!

I was laying in bed a few days ago thinking about my life and how much shit has transpired during the last twelve months.

I went back to school and I'm working on my bachelor's degree in meteorology. I'm involved with KVSC radio and all in all life has been good.

I battled with a ton of emotional shit during the beginning of the year, but it got better as I seperated from my old life and basically restarted a new life.

October led into another bout with depression, but thankfully in late November I realized just how bad it had gotten and sought help. I'm on medication now which is helping and I'm doing much better. The fall semester is a wreck, so I'm hoping I'll get to stay in school after all this is done.

I've not had much in the way of a dating/love life this year. Although, I think this is a good thing. I've had several long talks with my friend Mike in Milwaukee about life, love, and my still strong feelings for him.

It's taken a very long time (almost a year and a half) for me to get over Mikey. I fell very hard for him. He was there for me through some very rough times and he showed me the parts of myself that I thought I had lost.

Mikey and I are still friends and we talk quite often. He's dealing with some demons (literally) in his own life and I've been there to help him through some of it. It's taken so long for me to realize that Mikey is a great friend and that's it because I think I really did want our relationship to make it. The timing just wasn't right in his life and it didn't work out. I still have so much respect and love for Mikey, but I know it's just friendship.

He showed me paths into myself. Paths that led me to much inner peace and understanding. Understanding of loving oneself and being true to ourselves, understanding that sometimes the pain we experience in our lives is not bad, rather it's a way to get to know ourselves better and to further our own growth as members of society and the human race.

I've come to peace with the spectre of my love for Mike.

Do I still love him? Yes.
Do I still daydream from time to time that it did work out and we were together? Yes. Do I wish him the best in his life? Yes.

I realize that holding on to that love is good, but only if it's a tempered hold on it. I can't obsess over it and pine endlessly for him. What I can do is realize what lessons I learned from him.

I learned love, understanding, respect, the importance of communication, and most of all, I learned a great deal about myself.

Thank you Mike. You have no idea just how much you mean to me, my heart, and my soul.

RA applications, school stuff, and Yule

Well shit! I got the letter today from Residential Life. Everyone who applied for mid-term Resident Adviser had been waiting for the letter as it was the "Yes, you were selected to be interviewed" or "No, we're sorry but you weren't selected at this time" letter.

I'm in the "Non Selected" pool. Of all the people that I've talked to in the hall, only *one* person in our hall got selected out of about twenty who applied.

In other news, I get to spend some time this week writing two letter to administration. I have to appeal to keep my financial aid. This semester has been *horrid* for me as I've been battling a deep depression. (more on that later). The other letter was suggested by my doctor. Since the depression is now being treated, but it destroyed my semester, my doctor suggested that I apply for a medical withdrawl from the three classes I failed. It turned them from "F"s to "W"s on my transcript. It insulates my GPA from the massive hit that would give me. I'd still have to appeal to keep my financial aid because I've slipped below the magic "ratio of successful completion" for the number of credits I've attempted to credits passed. *(ugh)*.

I'll have my Financial Aid appeal in this week. I'll be working on my Medical Withdrawl letter as well. I know I'll have to have my doctor sign a letter on it stating the case and all that, but he said he would do that if needed.

All in all, the last few weeks have been busy with me trying to save my own ass academically with this depression and all, but it's heading in the right direction now that I'm on a medication that's working for me.

I'm flying to Arkansas on the 23rd for Christmas with my parents. I'll be lucky enough to be able to have a small private Yule celebration before I have to deal with her. I'll be in Arkansas from the 23rd to the 29th of December. I'll be pretty much unavailable as my cell company doesn't cover there (at least as far as I know), they don't have a working computer, and my laptop died a couple of months ago.

Dreams and hidden meanings...

I just had the strangest dream. I was at a big family Christmas get together with my mom's side of the family back where I grew up. Everyone was there (very odd) and it was *very* warm. I mean the grass was long, the fireflies were thick, and we were all in shorts and stuff.

I grew up in west central Illinois...it's never like that for Christmas. They had rerouted two lanes of highway traffic through our backyard, so you'd occasionally see a semi make a lazy turn around the corner about 10 feet from the house.

I think this was a multi-meaning dream...

The fireflies and the grass and all that were my favorite part of growing up in a small town. It was quiet, safe, and fun.

The family get together is probably the a desire to actually see my family. I'd not seen my grandfather Lamb for a couple of years when he passed away this year. My mom's father isn't doing well now and I've not seen them in three years? Economics are tight and it's just never worked out for me to get down to Arkansas to see my relatives.

This year, it's the same dollars thing. I need new pants and Mom gave me the choice of having her send me money for new pants or to visit the family. It's my decision.

It's a tough decision. I'm going to get myself new pants though. After my financial aid in the spring, I should be able to get down there on Spring Break. Then again, if I can hold out for a few more weeks with pants that are falling apart, I could visit the family for Christmas, something I've not done for a few years...and get pants in mid-January.

Such are the heavy decisions upon my heart.

Helping out friends, hanging out, and living life

I'm doing much better than I realized now that I'm two weeks into the new medication. I'm actually getting stuff done promptly and keeping on top of the details of what remains to be done.

I'm getting back into the swing of posting stuff to my Live Journal and I'm starting to work on my novel some as well.

The new webmaster got the passwords for the Sherburne Hall website so that is now totally and officially out of my hands and my list of duties/responsibilities.

I got my classes for Spring '03 today. turned in my Spring housing deposit, and turned in my application for becoming a Resident Assistant today.

My class schedule for Spring:

EAS 380 Intro to Forecasting
CSCI 201 Foundations of Computer Science
CSCI 260/261 Programming in C/C
Math 113 Trigonometry
HURL 201 Understanding Oppressive Relationships

I'll be dropping 260/261 most likely once I'm confirmed into the Math class...

All in all, today was very productive.

Testing a new client for my PDA

Today, I installed PocketLJ on m y Palm VIix. Now, I can LJ while in class.

I'm trying to get myself back into the habit of posting to my Live Journal.

I took the last few weeks off of most everything as I was batting an nasty episode of depression. I'm back on medication and things are going much better. I'm appealing to keep my financial aid for Spring 2003. I should be able to clean up my GPA with a strong semester. I'm taking classes that I feel will be fun but also apply to my majors...

Howdy ya'll! I'm JT and I'm living day to day.