Maybe the reason for my endless search for my husband is that I'm not meant to have one.
Some people are truly meant to be single.
Perhaps I'm just one of those people who's romantic desires are ne'er meant to be filled or fulfilled but rather is to be channeled into writing a novel or spent churning out sappy cards for Hallmark.
Kim (female), Ben (cute straight male), Kayla, and I were having the funniest conversation at dinner tonight. Kayla was sorta kinda seeing a guy on our floor (why, who knows) and she was dishing all the dirt on it.
Her longest relationship is *five months*. "I'd never stay with anyone that long again." says Kayla.
I just sat there incredulous. I'm wanting something that's five decades.
Kim dated the same guy for 10 years.
*okay, part two of this (fire drill interruption)
I'm a gay man and our culture dictates that most gay men are sluts and into tricking and most straight women are looking for a relationship and to settle down. Now in the group of people I'm around, it's reversed. The straight women mostly don't want a relationship and the few gay men I know *do* want a relationship.
29 October 2002
Childhood memories...
Okay, so I have some of my deepest thoughts in the shower...why I haven't a clue.
So as I'm washing my head (it's shaved)...I started thinking about some of my brightest "good" memories of my childhood.
Our family vacation to the Northeastern US (1980? 81?) I didn't care for Niagra Falls at the time, Boston was boring. The highlights of the trip were going to Salem (hrm, an intense interest in the witchtrials at the age of 8 or 9) and going to some store (K-mart?) and buying a *ton* of books. I don't remember much of the trip after that cuz all I did was lay in the back seat and read marked-down (in cost) textbooks that I had bought at the store. Yes, you read that right. I enjoyed the vacation strictly because I'd gotten a stack of new books to read. Then again, to try to avoid a beating, I quoted the 8th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution to my father that same year. I didn't work, in fact, I think it backfired as I was black and blue for a few days after that one...
Getting cable television. (1987, I was in 7th grade and had a crush on Dwayne who lived behind us). I distinctly remember it because we got CNN and A&E. I sat and watched both endlessly...until that fateful day in 1989, when we got ch. 14...The Weather Channel. My TV didn't change channels much (or get turned off) after that.
Other than that...there aren't many happy memories that come back to me from my childhood...
So I guess it was obviously that I was an anti-social pagan geek all along.
So as I'm washing my head (it's shaved)...I started thinking about some of my brightest "good" memories of my childhood.
Our family vacation to the Northeastern US (1980? 81?) I didn't care for Niagra Falls at the time, Boston was boring. The highlights of the trip were going to Salem (hrm, an intense interest in the witchtrials at the age of 8 or 9) and going to some store (K-mart?) and buying a *ton* of books. I don't remember much of the trip after that cuz all I did was lay in the back seat and read marked-down (in cost) textbooks that I had bought at the store. Yes, you read that right. I enjoyed the vacation strictly because I'd gotten a stack of new books to read. Then again, to try to avoid a beating, I quoted the 8th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution to my father that same year. I didn't work, in fact, I think it backfired as I was black and blue for a few days after that one...
Getting cable television. (1987, I was in 7th grade and had a crush on Dwayne who lived behind us). I distinctly remember it because we got CNN and A&E. I sat and watched both endlessly...until that fateful day in 1989, when we got ch. 14...The Weather Channel. My TV didn't change channels much (or get turned off) after that.
Other than that...there aren't many happy memories that come back to me from my childhood...
So I guess it was obviously that I was an anti-social pagan geek all along.
24 October 2002
Ow. That summarizes it all. For those of yo...
Ow.
That summarizes it all.
For those of you who've known me for the last couple of years, ya'll know that I have two torn discs in my lower back. L4/L5 and L5/S1 to be exact.
I woke up at 10:45 this morning after taking a short nap and couldn't feel my left foot. The symptoms quickly got much worse and I was in the ER 30 minutes later.
I just got home about 5:30p from the ER. I've had an MRI done. I *don't* have a ruptured disc. However, I do have some major inflammation/swelling in the two discs that are torn.
I don't need surgery but I do have to get a steriod epidural shot tomorrow. And one about a month after that...and one another month after that.
The good news about the epidurals is that the do quite well with little/no complications or side effects.
The "fun" part of the trip to the ER was the two big shots of morphine to peel me off the bed, floor, ceiling, etc. as the pain was so strong, I was crying a few times.
I'm still flying along on the morphine, so I'm going to lay down and get some sleep while I can.
That summarizes it all.
For those of you who've known me for the last couple of years, ya'll know that I have two torn discs in my lower back. L4/L5 and L5/S1 to be exact.
I woke up at 10:45 this morning after taking a short nap and couldn't feel my left foot. The symptoms quickly got much worse and I was in the ER 30 minutes later.
I just got home about 5:30p from the ER. I've had an MRI done. I *don't* have a ruptured disc. However, I do have some major inflammation/swelling in the two discs that are torn.
I don't need surgery but I do have to get a steriod epidural shot tomorrow. And one about a month after that...and one another month after that.
The good news about the epidurals is that the do quite well with little/no complications or side effects.
The "fun" part of the trip to the ER was the two big shots of morphine to peel me off the bed, floor, ceiling, etc. as the pain was so strong, I was crying a few times.
I'm still flying along on the morphine, so I'm going to lay down and get some sleep while I can.
21 October 2002
Top 10 songs bouncing around my head lately
10. Moulin Rouge - Roxanne
The first time I heard it, I hated it...then I saw the movie. The movie version is much better.
10. Moulin Rouge - Elephant Love Song
Too much fun...how many songs gave their lyrics for this song?!
9. Hunters and Collectors - Throw Your Arms Around Me
Every time I hear this song, I think of Alex. It's a wonderful love song that I still have attached to him...and it still makes me smile.
8. Icehouse - Icehouse
Just a very cool song from "Masterfile" (see my desert island CD collection) that is very understated yet the lyrics tell a wonderful story.
7. Steve Earle - Ellis Unit One
An excellent track that is also very depressing. It tells the story of a prisoner in "Ellis Unit One" and his life.
6. Auto Body Experience - Seedless Hydroponic Cucumber
You have to hear the song. They are a Twin Cities band and the song is *not* sexual.
5. Self - Pattycake
Just a totally fun silly song that gets you moving no matter what your mood.
4. Vitamin Z - Winds Of Change
A buried B-side from Vitamin Z's first CD that is just amazing. It shows the ability of Geoff Barradale to sing a story and reach into our inner self.
3. Dream Academy - Immaculate Heartache
I dunno why, but this is probably one of my favorite Dream Academy songs. It just grew on me instantly and I find myself singing it at random.
2. Bolshoi - Books On The Bonfire
"You can beat my brains, but don't kiss me again"
An odd song by a band I'd never heard of until I was dating Shawn from Houston (what ever happened to him...he was a sweetheart) who was totally obsessed with them. I found a few songs on the Internet and that was that. Excellent early eighties new wave music. Biting lyrics and catchy melodies...
1. Dream Academy - Indian Summer
Wow. Excellent lyrics, wonderful music and it all fits together to weave a soundscape that transports you to the beach where the song takes place. I still say there are subliminal descriptions of "where" the song is taking place buried in it. I listen to this track and I can close my eyes and just see it all happening.
The first time I heard it, I hated it...then I saw the movie. The movie version is much better.
10. Moulin Rouge - Elephant Love Song
Too much fun...how many songs gave their lyrics for this song?!
9. Hunters and Collectors - Throw Your Arms Around Me
Every time I hear this song, I think of Alex. It's a wonderful love song that I still have attached to him...and it still makes me smile.
8. Icehouse - Icehouse
Just a very cool song from "Masterfile" (see my desert island CD collection) that is very understated yet the lyrics tell a wonderful story.
7. Steve Earle - Ellis Unit One
An excellent track that is also very depressing. It tells the story of a prisoner in "Ellis Unit One" and his life.
6. Auto Body Experience - Seedless Hydroponic Cucumber
You have to hear the song. They are a Twin Cities band and the song is *not* sexual.
5. Self - Pattycake
Just a totally fun silly song that gets you moving no matter what your mood.
4. Vitamin Z - Winds Of Change
A buried B-side from Vitamin Z's first CD that is just amazing. It shows the ability of Geoff Barradale to sing a story and reach into our inner self.
3. Dream Academy - Immaculate Heartache
I dunno why, but this is probably one of my favorite Dream Academy songs. It just grew on me instantly and I find myself singing it at random.
2. Bolshoi - Books On The Bonfire
"You can beat my brains, but don't kiss me again"
An odd song by a band I'd never heard of until I was dating Shawn from Houston (what ever happened to him...he was a sweetheart) who was totally obsessed with them. I found a few songs on the Internet and that was that. Excellent early eighties new wave music. Biting lyrics and catchy melodies...
1. Dream Academy - Indian Summer
Wow. Excellent lyrics, wonderful music and it all fits together to weave a soundscape that transports you to the beach where the song takes place. I still say there are subliminal descriptions of "where" the song is taking place buried in it. I listen to this track and I can close my eyes and just see it all happening.
Top 10 CDs to have while stranded on an island...
10. The Broadcast - Cutting Crew
Three songs from the disc were Top 40 hits...but it's the rest of the CD that shines. The last three tracks (Sahara, It Shouldn't Take Too Long/The Broadcast) are fantastic. It's a CD that I usually drop in and turn in and let my mind go. It's smooth flowing and well woven.
9. III Sides To Every Story - Extreme
Extreme died a slow painful death after branding themselves as a hairband with "Hole Hearted" and "More Than Words". III Sides tells the story of a relationship that is ending from the three sides of it. Yours (Tracks 1-6), Mine (7-11), and The Truth (12-14).
"So what" you are thinking. "Yours" is the hard rocking, in your face music that is angry rock and roll. "Mine" is a series of power ballads focusing on the human condition and what it's like to be dumped by someone you love. "The Truth" however is the hidden gem. It's 22 (yes!) minutes of orchestral reflection on going forward and living life. To hear the disc in it's entirety is a journey and a half, going from hard rocking, axe-grinding to power ballads and then into a fully orchestrated mini-opera...WOW!
8. Fully Completely - Tragically Hip
I had summarily written off the Hip after having heard an ex-boyfriend describe them as "a Canadian R.E.M." I like REM...but a scattered few songs. I was forced to sit down and listen to Fully Completely. I was impressed with the depth of the lyrics and the stories they tell, but also how the music seemed written to go with them (yeah, I know that's how it works) but it was more like listening to an audio movie. It all worked together to paint a mental image and mood.
6. Red Sails In The Sunset - Midnight Oil
6. Blue Sky Mine - Midnight Oil
Midnight Oil simply rocks. Red Sails (1985) is from their still earlier rough days but it's still the political rock that we've all come to know and love from the Oils. Blue Sky Mine (1989) is very similar but with a slightly more refined sound and more of the political edge that seemed to be missing from the album between these two. (Diesel and Dust, 1987 is the middle disc).
5. Substance - New Order
The end-all collection of early New Order. If you only buy one CD of New Order's early days. This is it. Infectious retro-dance. Disc two is remixes/remakes. 1963 has a odd twist in the lyrics...
4. Masterfile - Icehouse
Another collection CD. I originally had only heard of Icehouse from the US breakthrough CD "Man Of Colours" (1986). What I didn't know at the time was that there were four previous CDs from Icehouse that were Australian only CDs. Masterfile is the greatest hits from those CDs and introduced me to a totally new sound for Icehouse and quickly catupulted them up my list of top 10 CDs.
3. Human Fraility - Hunters and Collectors
I dunno if "Human Fraility" is a good name for this CD. I'd be much more tempted to call it "Human Strength" or "The Human Condition". It's a collection of songs about love found, love lost, and the hard knocks of life. More "famous" songs from the CD include "Throw Your Arms Around Me" and "Around The Flame"
2. Rites of Passage - Vitamin Z
Wow. Some people know Vitamin Z from their one-hit "Burning Flame" (the original version is on this LP). Burning Flame was re-released on their 1989 CD "Sharp Stone Rain". SSR had a few good songs, but over all was a mediocre CD. I love it, but I can go for long periods without listening to it all. I found Rites of Passage in a used LP store while looking for Sharp Stone Rain a few years ago. I bought it thinking it was the album *after* Sharp Stone Rain. It wasn't, rather it was the preceding album. The album is full of songs that touch on the inner emotions of life and love. "Burning Flame" is about a lover who is going cold. "Every Time That I See You" describes the pain of crossing paths with that love who has spurned you.
I was lucky enough to have found the Official Vitamin Z website a couple of years ago and was able to get a "fan club" only CD copy of Rites of Passage that included all the B Sides. Why why why...why didn't they include Winds of Change and Don't Stop (To Listen To His Music) on the release LP? The power of Geoff Barradale's voice and the lyrics to those two songs send chills down my spine. The first time I heard "Don't Stop" I was crying when it was over. The song just spoke directly to me.
1. Undeniably The Whitlams - The Whitlams
I love the Whitlams. End of story. Picking a favorite CD from their discography was tough. Undeniably is a CD that seems to live in my CD player. It moves you along a story line through the CD. From recollections of childhood friends, to meeting a love, the falling out with and loss of the love, and moving forward after it. It's a CD that has a couple of happy songs buried in a deep melancholy CD.
Songs that stand out off the CD for me...
1995
You'll Find A Way
Don't Love Too Long
I'm Still Faithful
Three songs from the disc were Top 40 hits...but it's the rest of the CD that shines. The last three tracks (Sahara, It Shouldn't Take Too Long/The Broadcast) are fantastic. It's a CD that I usually drop in and turn in and let my mind go. It's smooth flowing and well woven.
9. III Sides To Every Story - Extreme
Extreme died a slow painful death after branding themselves as a hairband with "Hole Hearted" and "More Than Words". III Sides tells the story of a relationship that is ending from the three sides of it. Yours (Tracks 1-6), Mine (7-11), and The Truth (12-14).
"So what" you are thinking. "Yours" is the hard rocking, in your face music that is angry rock and roll. "Mine" is a series of power ballads focusing on the human condition and what it's like to be dumped by someone you love. "The Truth" however is the hidden gem. It's 22 (yes!) minutes of orchestral reflection on going forward and living life. To hear the disc in it's entirety is a journey and a half, going from hard rocking, axe-grinding to power ballads and then into a fully orchestrated mini-opera...WOW!
8. Fully Completely - Tragically Hip
I had summarily written off the Hip after having heard an ex-boyfriend describe them as "a Canadian R.E.M." I like REM...but a scattered few songs. I was forced to sit down and listen to Fully Completely. I was impressed with the depth of the lyrics and the stories they tell, but also how the music seemed written to go with them (yeah, I know that's how it works) but it was more like listening to an audio movie. It all worked together to paint a mental image and mood.
6. Red Sails In The Sunset - Midnight Oil
6. Blue Sky Mine - Midnight Oil
Midnight Oil simply rocks. Red Sails (1985) is from their still earlier rough days but it's still the political rock that we've all come to know and love from the Oils. Blue Sky Mine (1989) is very similar but with a slightly more refined sound and more of the political edge that seemed to be missing from the album between these two. (Diesel and Dust, 1987 is the middle disc).
5. Substance - New Order
The end-all collection of early New Order. If you only buy one CD of New Order's early days. This is it. Infectious retro-dance. Disc two is remixes/remakes. 1963 has a odd twist in the lyrics...
4. Masterfile - Icehouse
Another collection CD. I originally had only heard of Icehouse from the US breakthrough CD "Man Of Colours" (1986). What I didn't know at the time was that there were four previous CDs from Icehouse that were Australian only CDs. Masterfile is the greatest hits from those CDs and introduced me to a totally new sound for Icehouse and quickly catupulted them up my list of top 10 CDs.
3. Human Fraility - Hunters and Collectors
I dunno if "Human Fraility" is a good name for this CD. I'd be much more tempted to call it "Human Strength" or "The Human Condition". It's a collection of songs about love found, love lost, and the hard knocks of life. More "famous" songs from the CD include "Throw Your Arms Around Me" and "Around The Flame"
2. Rites of Passage - Vitamin Z
Wow. Some people know Vitamin Z from their one-hit "Burning Flame" (the original version is on this LP). Burning Flame was re-released on their 1989 CD "Sharp Stone Rain". SSR had a few good songs, but over all was a mediocre CD. I love it, but I can go for long periods without listening to it all. I found Rites of Passage in a used LP store while looking for Sharp Stone Rain a few years ago. I bought it thinking it was the album *after* Sharp Stone Rain. It wasn't, rather it was the preceding album. The album is full of songs that touch on the inner emotions of life and love. "Burning Flame" is about a lover who is going cold. "Every Time That I See You" describes the pain of crossing paths with that love who has spurned you.
I was lucky enough to have found the Official Vitamin Z website a couple of years ago and was able to get a "fan club" only CD copy of Rites of Passage that included all the B Sides. Why why why...why didn't they include Winds of Change and Don't Stop (To Listen To His Music) on the release LP? The power of Geoff Barradale's voice and the lyrics to those two songs send chills down my spine. The first time I heard "Don't Stop" I was crying when it was over. The song just spoke directly to me.
1. Undeniably The Whitlams - The Whitlams
I love the Whitlams. End of story. Picking a favorite CD from their discography was tough. Undeniably is a CD that seems to live in my CD player. It moves you along a story line through the CD. From recollections of childhood friends, to meeting a love, the falling out with and loss of the love, and moving forward after it. It's a CD that has a couple of happy songs buried in a deep melancholy CD.
Songs that stand out off the CD for me...
1995
You'll Find A Way
Don't Love Too Long
I'm Still Faithful
Flash of Insight
I found myself doing what I what I find myself doing often of late...
Re-reading Pema Chodron...
I'm reading a chapter a night...and I just keep re-reading it and absorbing a little bit more each time and gaining more and more insight into myself.
I finally realized last night that there is no reason what so ever for me to remain bitter at Mikey, but there also isn't a reason for me *not* to be over him.
Mikey is a wonderful man who I still love dearly, but our relationship wasn't meant to be.
I've held onto that flame for the last year and I never could figure out why I continued to hold on to it.
I realized that I have to let go of that desire to be dating Mikey as it isn't meant to be, but I must learn the lessons that Mikey taught me.
Through the adversity of our relationship and the disaster of the end, I learned that sometimes we experience pain to see the joy we have had and we still have in our lives. I have come to realize that my love for Mikey is not just the love I have for a wonderful man who means the world to me, but it's also the love I have for a person who touched my soul and showed me life lessons like no one else before him.
I look back now at Mikey, Jeremy, and Alex (affectionately known as the good, the bad, and the ugly) in terms of my relationships...
Each one was very different...Alex was a relationship that was basically to be lived in the future when either he got to America or I moved to Australia. Jeremy and I both were locked in the past with our own demons that affected us both. Mikey was a reflection of my hopes for a future husband, my learning from the past to not push...but Mike's past dictated the ending. What I learned from all three was a common lesson, which is also a chapter in Pema's book.
"This very moment is the perfect teacher"
We can learn from the past, we can look to the future...
but we all must learn to live in the present moment, it is our teacher.
Re-reading Pema Chodron...
I'm reading a chapter a night...and I just keep re-reading it and absorbing a little bit more each time and gaining more and more insight into myself.
I finally realized last night that there is no reason what so ever for me to remain bitter at Mikey, but there also isn't a reason for me *not* to be over him.
Mikey is a wonderful man who I still love dearly, but our relationship wasn't meant to be.
I've held onto that flame for the last year and I never could figure out why I continued to hold on to it.
I realized that I have to let go of that desire to be dating Mikey as it isn't meant to be, but I must learn the lessons that Mikey taught me.
Through the adversity of our relationship and the disaster of the end, I learned that sometimes we experience pain to see the joy we have had and we still have in our lives. I have come to realize that my love for Mikey is not just the love I have for a wonderful man who means the world to me, but it's also the love I have for a person who touched my soul and showed me life lessons like no one else before him.
I look back now at Mikey, Jeremy, and Alex (affectionately known as the good, the bad, and the ugly) in terms of my relationships...
Each one was very different...Alex was a relationship that was basically to be lived in the future when either he got to America or I moved to Australia. Jeremy and I both were locked in the past with our own demons that affected us both. Mikey was a reflection of my hopes for a future husband, my learning from the past to not push...but Mike's past dictated the ending. What I learned from all three was a common lesson, which is also a chapter in Pema's book.
"This very moment is the perfect teacher"
We can learn from the past, we can look to the future...
but we all must learn to live in the present moment, it is our teacher.
20 October 2002
Well, the Sherburne Hall Council website is updat...
Well, the Sherburne Hall Council website is updated. It looks pretty damned good if I must say so myself.
Stocky Jock Athletics seems to have stabilized and is next on my agenda of major updates/rebuilds.
Otherwise, life is pretty dull here in St. Cloud. Nothing wrong with dull and quiet...in moderation.
Every other weekend, I play Giovanni in the cities, I have my KVSC radio shows M 6a-9a, Th 1p-4p, and Fr 12p-1p (Noon NewsWatch only). So it's not like I'm totally without things to do.
I'm also active with Hall Council with maintaining their website and also as a participating member of the student body.
Now that the Hall Council site is caught up and Stocky Jock is stabilized, I'll be working on updating Stocky Jock and also working on my novel again.
Stocky Jock Athletics seems to have stabilized and is next on my agenda of major updates/rebuilds.
Otherwise, life is pretty dull here in St. Cloud. Nothing wrong with dull and quiet...in moderation.
Every other weekend, I play Giovanni in the cities, I have my KVSC radio shows M 6a-9a, Th 1p-4p, and Fr 12p-1p (Noon NewsWatch only). So it's not like I'm totally without things to do.
I'm also active with Hall Council with maintaining their website and also as a participating member of the student body.
Now that the Hall Council site is caught up and Stocky Jock is stabilized, I'll be working on updating Stocky Jock and also working on my novel again.
18 October 2002
Clarification...
My comments about Jason and all were not to belittle my feelings towards him, but rather were a reflection of the fact he's in Cleveland, Ohio and I'm in St. Cloud, Minnesota.
Other than that...
The other guy who was gung-ho on the campus amateur radio club e-mailed me last night. He'd just gotten the e-mail I'd sent on the 16th...of SEPTEMBER! I love SCSU and their high-speed and modern infrastructure. I'm running my own webserver as opposed to using the provided SCSU server now...
I woke up at 4:30am totally wide awake. Of course, since I have class at 10, do the KVSC news at noon and all that, I'm now tired as all hell. I have no idea why this happened, but it did none the less.
And such is my morning...
Other than that...
The other guy who was gung-ho on the campus amateur radio club e-mailed me last night. He'd just gotten the e-mail I'd sent on the 16th...of SEPTEMBER! I love SCSU and their high-speed and modern infrastructure. I'm running my own webserver as opposed to using the provided SCSU server now...
I woke up at 4:30am totally wide awake. Of course, since I have class at 10, do the KVSC news at noon and all that, I'm now tired as all hell. I have no idea why this happened, but it did none the less.
And such is my morning...
17 October 2002
Okay, so it's been a while... My life has been...
Okay, so it's been a while...
My life has been slowly spiralling downward, but it's been checked by my finally realizing that I was in a downward spiral of depression and actually sucking it up.
I went through about a week of just wanting to totally isolate myself from everyone. I wasn't in the mood to deal with people, their problems, their drama, or anything else.
I pretty much felt my heart go cold and I really didn't give a flying f*ck about anyone else. Not that I truly didn't care about them, I was more worried about myself and protecting myself.
I wound up dropping my Field Geology and Geomorphology classes which eased up my stress load and also had the added bonus of assuring me that I won't see Aaron again unless we cross paths in a hallway....
I've finally managed to start pulling myself up and out of the funk I've been in and it's starting to all come back together.
Jason, this cool guy in Cleveland (Ohio) has grabbed my attention, but who knows what will happen with that. He's smart, funny, romantic and all that, but he's in Cleveland?
I'm doing my Monday morning and Friday Noon News still and I just added the Thursday 1-4pm shift. KVSC is a nice vacation from classes, stress, and stuff that lets me relax for a while.
Now I'm just a ragin hormone for a while. It's the recovering from being sick hornies...
That's the update for now...
More as it happens...
My life has been slowly spiralling downward, but it's been checked by my finally realizing that I was in a downward spiral of depression and actually sucking it up.
I went through about a week of just wanting to totally isolate myself from everyone. I wasn't in the mood to deal with people, their problems, their drama, or anything else.
I pretty much felt my heart go cold and I really didn't give a flying f*ck about anyone else. Not that I truly didn't care about them, I was more worried about myself and protecting myself.
I wound up dropping my Field Geology and Geomorphology classes which eased up my stress load and also had the added bonus of assuring me that I won't see Aaron again unless we cross paths in a hallway....
I've finally managed to start pulling myself up and out of the funk I've been in and it's starting to all come back together.
Jason, this cool guy in Cleveland (Ohio) has grabbed my attention, but who knows what will happen with that. He's smart, funny, romantic and all that, but he's in Cleveland?
I'm doing my Monday morning and Friday Noon News still and I just added the Thursday 1-4pm shift. KVSC is a nice vacation from classes, stress, and stuff that lets me relax for a while.
Now I'm just a ragin hormone for a while. It's the recovering from being sick hornies...
That's the update for now...
More as it happens...
13 October 2002
Okay...I should have learned...
Hmmm...RedHat 8 "graced" my hard drive again...
After three days and much teeth gnashing...
I finally got KDE 3.0.3 working the way *I* wanted it to work ... for the most part.
You still can't completely customize your menus and some changes will be reset to the RH 8 defaults on the next startup...
Then came the fun showstoppers...
Crossover Office and Crossover Plugin just don't quite work right with RedHat 8..
Annoying...but survivable.
OpenOffice 1.0.1 just plain doesn't work with RedHat 8.
Fuck that.
So, I'm going back to RedHat 7.3 *again*.
I don't think I'll change distributions or versions ever again.
After three days and much teeth gnashing...
I finally got KDE 3.0.3 working the way *I* wanted it to work ... for the most part.
You still can't completely customize your menus and some changes will be reset to the RH 8 defaults on the next startup...
Then came the fun showstoppers...
Crossover Office and Crossover Plugin just don't quite work right with RedHat 8..
Annoying...but survivable.
OpenOffice 1.0.1 just plain doesn't work with RedHat 8.
Fuck that.
So, I'm going back to RedHat 7.3 *again*.
I don't think I'll change distributions or versions ever again.
10 October 2002
Ugh...
Okay, I'm on hour number three of fixing my friend Christine's computer. After removing BonzaiBuddy, Kazaa, Gator (times two), and a bunch of other adware...
I'm installing all her Windows Update stuff...
Then I need to install a good anti-virus...
(*yawn*) I think she'll have to get the anti-virus tomorrow. I'm tired and I have a test in EAS 260 at 10am.
Her computer is in much better shape now...it's much faster.
I still need to defrag her drive at some point too.
Oh well...at least she is finally getting some decent response times on her system.
I'm installing all her Windows Update stuff...
Then I need to install a good anti-virus...
(*yawn*) I think she'll have to get the anti-virus tomorrow. I'm tired and I have a test in EAS 260 at 10am.
Her computer is in much better shape now...it's much faster.
I still need to defrag her drive at some point too.
Oh well...at least she is finally getting some decent response times on her system.
Internet Part 2....
Well, things are looking brighter. Mail is able to be pulled from off-campus at about 5k/sec (much improved over our .5k/sec if you could get a connection at all). We can connect to AIM and Yahoo again, and amazingly, we can actually get to websites without getting a "Connection Timed Out" or "Cannot Find Address for Server" errors. (No, it's not name servers, I have both on and off campus DNS servers in my /etc/resolv.conf)
Traceroutes from off campus to campus look really good.
I'm starting to suspect they've altered our traffic shaping box and cramped down on more stuff.
Three days ago:
"If you are trying to get the new drivers for your video card, make sure you are using http...it'll be much faster than ftp." -- ResNet helpdesk person...
Oh, okay...I can deal with that...
Next day, I'll call back about 4:45pm and get a different person. On campus bandwidth and response times are back to normal, but off-campus is still totally in the toilet.
Help: "Wait for a few days, and hopefully the network will speed up."
Me: "I'm just supposed to wait for a few days?"
Help: "Yeah. Guess there's just lotsa people doing something."
Me: "So is there a known problem?"
Help: "Yeah"
Me: "What is it and is it being worked on?" (I don't expect the technical of 'what' is happening, but something like, we have a dead router or something)
Help: "Something isn't working right, but they aren't sure what. All the network people have gone home for the day."
Me: "Okay, thanks"
*click*
*SCREAM* So, 2000 ports out of the 9700 we have on campus are having major networking issues and the networking people just go home at 4:30 like nothing is wrong? (thanks the Goddess it's not mid-terms)...
Well, that tells me that either our local SCSU network is fine and it's an InterTech/Onvoy problem or the ResNet network is being treated like a redheaded stepchild.
Having watched our traffic analysis, it's good to see that Quake 3, Dark Ago of Camelot, and other such network games have some of the highest traffic priority on our network. I understand putting Kazaa and WinMX at the far far far bottom of the priority pile (actually, here they just bandwidth consign them to hell, which I don't like but completely understand). The games thing irks me. The stated reason from ResNet for that "It keeps us from getting flooded with calls about slow games."
On to a related subject...
New ResNet AUP stipulates that no one is allowed to bring in outside connectivity. That is, no wireless, DSL, cable modem, nothing. I'm not amused about this. Not when Charter was promoting 1.5mb down/128k up service for $34.99 for students on campus. To hell with their worries about people trying to load balance and route between the SCSU network and the "real internet" from Charter...
I'll take the shitty upload speeds to have a system thats works nearly all the time.
The SCSU network can fly. I've seen it fly. Two weeks after fall move-in, I was getting 400-550k/sec downloads on most anything...now with what ever is going on, I'm doing lucky to get 10k/sec. Hell, we're getting sub 128k ISDN speeds!
I think I'll walk down to the ResNet office and see if I can talk to Darrin (the top dog at ResNet) and see if I can find out what the hell is going on. I don't care if I can't fix it, they can't fix it (meaning it's off campus) but just getting a straight answer would be nice as opposed to being told to just deal with it for a few days and *hope* it gets better.
Traceroutes from off campus to campus look really good.
I'm starting to suspect they've altered our traffic shaping box and cramped down on more stuff.
Three days ago:
"If you are trying to get the new drivers for your video card, make sure you are using http...it'll be much faster than ftp." -- ResNet helpdesk person...
Oh, okay...I can deal with that...
Next day, I'll call back about 4:45pm and get a different person. On campus bandwidth and response times are back to normal, but off-campus is still totally in the toilet.
Help: "Wait for a few days, and hopefully the network will speed up."
Me: "I'm just supposed to wait for a few days?"
Help: "Yeah. Guess there's just lotsa people doing something."
Me: "So is there a known problem?"
Help: "Yeah"
Me: "What is it and is it being worked on?" (I don't expect the technical of 'what' is happening, but something like, we have a dead router or something)
Help: "Something isn't working right, but they aren't sure what. All the network people have gone home for the day."
Me: "Okay, thanks"
*click*
*SCREAM* So, 2000 ports out of the 9700 we have on campus are having major networking issues and the networking people just go home at 4:30 like nothing is wrong? (thanks the Goddess it's not mid-terms)...
Well, that tells me that either our local SCSU network is fine and it's an InterTech/Onvoy problem or the ResNet network is being treated like a redheaded stepchild.
Having watched our traffic analysis, it's good to see that Quake 3, Dark Ago of Camelot, and other such network games have some of the highest traffic priority on our network. I understand putting Kazaa and WinMX at the far far far bottom of the priority pile (actually, here they just bandwidth consign them to hell, which I don't like but completely understand). The games thing irks me. The stated reason from ResNet for that "It keeps us from getting flooded with calls about slow games."
On to a related subject...
New ResNet AUP stipulates that no one is allowed to bring in outside connectivity. That is, no wireless, DSL, cable modem, nothing. I'm not amused about this. Not when Charter was promoting 1.5mb down/128k up service for $34.99 for students on campus. To hell with their worries about people trying to load balance and route between the SCSU network and the "real internet" from Charter...
I'll take the shitty upload speeds to have a system thats works nearly all the time.
The SCSU network can fly. I've seen it fly. Two weeks after fall move-in, I was getting 400-550k/sec downloads on most anything...now with what ever is going on, I'm doing lucky to get 10k/sec. Hell, we're getting sub 128k ISDN speeds!
I think I'll walk down to the ResNet office and see if I can talk to Darrin (the top dog at ResNet) and see if I can find out what the hell is going on. I don't care if I can't fix it, they can't fix it (meaning it's off campus) but just getting a straight answer would be nice as opposed to being told to just deal with it for a few days and *hope* it gets better.
09 October 2002
Ugh...
We just got the official announcement that the SCSU Internet connection is going to be screwed up for the next few days. They are making some connectivity changes (they call them improvements) and it should be settled down in the next three to five days.
I dunno what exactly they are doing...but three to five days to settle down connectivity issues?
They using tin can and strings? Routers by Lite-Brite?
I *really* wish this school woudl get its head out of its ass and figure out the "new" internet technology...
I dunno what exactly they are doing...but three to five days to settle down connectivity issues?
They using tin can and strings? Routers by Lite-Brite?
I *really* wish this school woudl get its head out of its ass and figure out the "new" internet technology...
God, what a wonderful night... It's opening ni...
God, what a wonderful night...
It's opening night of the NHL season!!
I'm watching the Avs/Stars game...I'm not sure who to root for...I don't like either team...
Lesser of the evils....GO STARS!
It's opening night of the NHL season!!
I'm watching the Avs/Stars game...I'm not sure who to root for...I don't like either team...
Lesser of the evils....GO STARS!
08 October 2002
93% that's it?
I scored a 93% on the "are you fuckable?" Quizie! What about you?
Damnit! I gotta find that other 7%
Now a "Top or Bottom?" quiz could be fun...
Damnit! I gotta find that other 7%
Now a "Top or Bottom?" quiz could be fun...
07 October 2002
Almost ready...
Well,
Stocky Jock died on Thursday. The server that was hosting it passed away. The new server is up and being configured. E-mail is working again and we are working on getting the web server configured.
Stocky Jock should be back on-line later today (Tuesday 10/8/02).
Stocky Jock died on Thursday. The server that was hosting it passed away. The new server is up and being configured. E-mail is working again and we are working on getting the web server configured.
Stocky Jock should be back on-line later today (Tuesday 10/8/02).
Gotta love those little surprises...
My friend Dan got me a Mr. Coffee Iced Tea Pot two years ago for Christmas. I'd gotten myself one. Mine broke, so I used Dan's...then my pitcher broke this April. I taped the crack in the pitcher and made do as best I could until it totally gave out.
Last night, I had just gotten in from South Dakota...and Joe, Dan, and Sally show up...and Dan has a brand new Iced Tea Pot!! *CHEER!*
I go to make a nice pot of herbal iced tea today...and find out that our dorm ice machine has been broken since for about a week...and was called in last *Thursday* to be fixed. Apparently I'm going to have to walk to another dorm to get ice. *(bleh)*
Last night, I had just gotten in from South Dakota...and Joe, Dan, and Sally show up...and Dan has a brand new Iced Tea Pot!! *CHEER!*
I go to make a nice pot of herbal iced tea today...and find out that our dorm ice machine has been broken since for about a week...and was called in last *Thursday* to be fixed. Apparently I'm going to have to walk to another dorm to get ice. *(bleh)*
06 October 2002
Seeking advice...
Okay...those of you who've known me for a while know of Aaron a.k.a. the Hydro Hottie...
The field trip this weekend was very very odd...and I need advice on what the fuck is going on with him...
Background info....
Aaron is 23, 6'8" about 375lbs...frosted blond hair...preppy clothes...
During the weekend, we learned that Aaron has a completely colour coordinated bathroom...down to the matching palm tree shower curtain holders...two loofahs...one that stays at home...and one that he takes with him travelling...he brings a minimum of three colognes with him.
He'd been making all kinds of flirting comments and comments filled with sexual innuendo...
Last night (Saturday), he'd made several comments that were borderline hitting on me/sexually harrassing me.
I left the party...(we had three hotel rooms for our group, one for Rachel, then two for six guys). We were all drinking and partying in Rachel's room and after Aaron's comments got out of hand, I left and went back to my room.
About 12:30, Aaron comes in and asks me about Alex (my ex from Australia) and how the relationship went and the details of travelling over there and all that. I told him that I really didn't want to talk about the relationship, but that the trip was great.
He kept going back to Alex and our relationship and how we broke up and all that...and was asking if I was seeing anybody.
By this point I was started to get really nervous. I had/have no idea what the hell he's up to with this but I knew I didn't like it. He's all smiling and stuff, asking about dating and what kind of guys I like, what my favorite date was and why...
Now mind you, he spent a good deal of Thursday night telling me how wonderful his girlfriend is and how she's "the one" and he thinks he's found his soulmate.
I'm totally on edge...thinking I'm being led into something...like harrassment/rape charges or something like that...
Brian, one of our other classmates comes in (he's in the same room as me), and suddenly Aaron's up and saying he's gotta leave since it's getting late and we have to get up early in the morning (it's now about 1:30am....we were scheduled to leave at 6am), and within two minutes, he's gone.
Was he totally hitting on me? Just trying to sincerely find out more about me? Asking one of the gay people he knows about gay life? Or was he just looking for a quick blowjob to get his rocks off?
I'm confused, somewhat nervous, and totally not sure how to deal with him...
Any advice, ideas, suggestions?
The field trip this weekend was very very odd...and I need advice on what the fuck is going on with him...
Background info....
Aaron is 23, 6'8" about 375lbs...frosted blond hair...preppy clothes...
During the weekend, we learned that Aaron has a completely colour coordinated bathroom...down to the matching palm tree shower curtain holders...two loofahs...one that stays at home...and one that he takes with him travelling...he brings a minimum of three colognes with him.
He'd been making all kinds of flirting comments and comments filled with sexual innuendo...
Last night (Saturday), he'd made several comments that were borderline hitting on me/sexually harrassing me.
I left the party...(we had three hotel rooms for our group, one for Rachel, then two for six guys). We were all drinking and partying in Rachel's room and after Aaron's comments got out of hand, I left and went back to my room.
About 12:30, Aaron comes in and asks me about Alex (my ex from Australia) and how the relationship went and the details of travelling over there and all that. I told him that I really didn't want to talk about the relationship, but that the trip was great.
He kept going back to Alex and our relationship and how we broke up and all that...and was asking if I was seeing anybody.
By this point I was started to get really nervous. I had/have no idea what the hell he's up to with this but I knew I didn't like it. He's all smiling and stuff, asking about dating and what kind of guys I like, what my favorite date was and why...
Now mind you, he spent a good deal of Thursday night telling me how wonderful his girlfriend is and how she's "the one" and he thinks he's found his soulmate.
I'm totally on edge...thinking I'm being led into something...like harrassment/rape charges or something like that...
Brian, one of our other classmates comes in (he's in the same room as me), and suddenly Aaron's up and saying he's gotta leave since it's getting late and we have to get up early in the morning (it's now about 1:30am....we were scheduled to leave at 6am), and within two minutes, he's gone.
Was he totally hitting on me? Just trying to sincerely find out more about me? Asking one of the gay people he knows about gay life? Or was he just looking for a quick blowjob to get his rocks off?
I'm confused, somewhat nervous, and totally not sure how to deal with him...
Any advice, ideas, suggestions?
Ugh... I'm back from Rapid City, South Dakota....
Ugh...
I'm back from Rapid City, South Dakota.
We left Wednesday at 2pm, spent Wednesday night in Chamberlain, SD (9V9 for the aviation types).
Thursday was spent in the Badlands National Park. I *hate* that place. Beautiful country, fascinating geology...1200 feet of nearly vertical cliffs that I have to stand near...no thanks.
My fear of falling was constantly being held to an edge all weekend.
Friday was the southern Black Hills. Ooooh. Lots more cliffs and and vertical drops. Interesting geology again...
Saturday was the Keystone SD (Mt. Rushmore) area. Okay...now we're up to 3000 to 4000 feet nearly vertical drops. I spent most of the day either praying that I don't die and/or that I don't puke.
Sunday was the ten hour drive home...ugh.
Aaron spent most of the weekend fucking with my mind and I've decided I really like him. I don't think he realizes the extent of what he's doing or how he's doing it.
The cute Adam is still damn cute...he's a hopeless romantic like I am, but he's straight, got a girlfriend, and talking about proposing to her in a couple of months. What a waste of a perfectly hot guy!
Oh well...I have to be up at 5am for my radio show...and try to get a follow up appointment with the clinic on campus if I'm not better when I wake up.
The upshot of the weekend is that I've started working on my novel again. It's going well. I finally was able to piece together all the major fragments in my head and get it all together into one coherent story. Now to write it all down and get it into a readable format...
I'm back from Rapid City, South Dakota.
We left Wednesday at 2pm, spent Wednesday night in Chamberlain, SD (9V9 for the aviation types).
Thursday was spent in the Badlands National Park. I *hate* that place. Beautiful country, fascinating geology...1200 feet of nearly vertical cliffs that I have to stand near...no thanks.
My fear of falling was constantly being held to an edge all weekend.
Friday was the southern Black Hills. Ooooh. Lots more cliffs and and vertical drops. Interesting geology again...
Saturday was the Keystone SD (Mt. Rushmore) area. Okay...now we're up to 3000 to 4000 feet nearly vertical drops. I spent most of the day either praying that I don't die and/or that I don't puke.
Sunday was the ten hour drive home...ugh.
Aaron spent most of the weekend fucking with my mind and I've decided I really like him. I don't think he realizes the extent of what he's doing or how he's doing it.
The cute Adam is still damn cute...he's a hopeless romantic like I am, but he's straight, got a girlfriend, and talking about proposing to her in a couple of months. What a waste of a perfectly hot guy!
Oh well...I have to be up at 5am for my radio show...and try to get a follow up appointment with the clinic on campus if I'm not better when I wake up.
The upshot of the weekend is that I've started working on my novel again. It's going well. I finally was able to piece together all the major fragments in my head and get it all together into one coherent story. Now to write it all down and get it into a readable format...
02 October 2002
Avoid RedHat 8.0
RedHat 8.0 sucks.
It will replace all your KDE personalizations (menus, colors, fonts)...
PHP doesn't work.
MP3/DVD players? Nope, you get to add them in...
and the biggest f*ckup...
a broken version of RPM!
I installed it...it sucks.
I'm back on RedHat 7.3
It will replace all your KDE personalizations (menus, colors, fonts)...
PHP doesn't work.
MP3/DVD players? Nope, you get to add them in...
and the biggest f*ckup...
a broken version of RPM!
I installed it...it sucks.
I'm back on RedHat 7.3
01 October 2002
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