Flash of Insight

I found myself doing what I what I find myself doing often of late...

Re-reading Pema Chodron...

I'm reading a chapter a night...and I just keep re-reading it and absorbing a little bit more each time and gaining more and more insight into myself.

I finally realized last night that there is no reason what so ever for me to remain bitter at Mikey, but there also isn't a reason for me *not* to be over him.

Mikey is a wonderful man who I still love dearly, but our relationship wasn't meant to be.
I've held onto that flame for the last year and I never could figure out why I continued to hold on to it.

I realized that I have to let go of that desire to be dating Mikey as it isn't meant to be, but I must learn the lessons that Mikey taught me.

Through the adversity of our relationship and the disaster of the end, I learned that sometimes we experience pain to see the joy we have had and we still have in our lives. I have come to realize that my love for Mikey is not just the love I have for a wonderful man who means the world to me, but it's also the love I have for a person who touched my soul and showed me life lessons like no one else before him.

I look back now at Mikey, Jeremy, and Alex (affectionately known as the good, the bad, and the ugly) in terms of my relationships...

Each one was very different...Alex was a relationship that was basically to be lived in the future when either he got to America or I moved to Australia. Jeremy and I both were locked in the past with our own demons that affected us both. Mikey was a reflection of my hopes for a future husband, my learning from the past to not push...but Mike's past dictated the ending. What I learned from all three was a common lesson, which is also a chapter in Pema's book.

"This very moment is the perfect teacher"

We can learn from the past, we can look to the future...

but we all must learn to live in the present moment, it is our teacher.