Well...

I got a bunch of stuff done for the Garou Nation website done. I still have about half the site to go, but the ugliest parts are done. From here, it’s all straight forward text on pages. No more tables, forms, or scripts.

I diddled around on line for a while, talked to to celebrate New Years. I was able to spend Christmas with him, so it wasn’t terrible that I couldn’t see him for New Years, but it still was a drag.

I did tackle my novel tonight. I’ve not seriously worked on it for quite a while, so I thought it was time. I did some editing and didn’t really add much “content” to it, but I did do a word count.

26,000+ words. The average novel is 80 to 120 thousand words. I’m roughly 1/4 of the way done. It does tell me just how much more I do need to write, but at the same time, to have a quarter of it done and a story line written for all of it, I have a lot more hope and optimism than I’ve had in a very long time.

*yawn* It’s late and I’m tired. Night ya’ll!

Howdy ya'll

I’ve decided something. I’m not going to hide behind a friends-only journal any more. I will still make some posts friends-only, only because of they apply to a small group of friends (i.e. pagan posts, Twin Cities related posts, radio/tv stuff).

2006 is going to be a year of a lot of changes for me.

I’ve fallen in love with a wonderful man

I’m planning on moving out on my own this year, hopefully before spring.

I have a job I enjoy and that I do well at (and they think I do well too).

I should be able to start paying down debt again here in a month or so.

By Goddess, I think I’m finally moving in all the right directions at once.

Blessed Be and may They grant you what you need in the coming year.

JT The Big Bear

Posting from w*rk

5.40pm Well, one day (almost) down in the short work week. It's not been as busy as I'd have expected today, but I'm certainly not complaining.

I'm apartment hunting in the south parts of St. Paul/Mendota Heights/Bloomington area for an apartment. I'm trying to find a decent 2 bedroom/2 bath apartment for under $750. Yeah, I know I'm asking for a lot. The only amenities I'm looking for are a dishwasher and underground parking. Even the underground parking is negotiable.

I've figured out a budget today and I think I can swing a 2br place on my own, but I may need to do a 1br at first. I want the 2nd bedroom so I can put the computer and my altar in their own space. I figured based on $750 for rent and with utilities/food/gas/insurance...I can just swing it. If I go for the 1br option, I can definately swing it. ... ponders ...

There is other news that I'll post once I get home tonight. It's definately NWS considering how conservative the company and most of my cow-irkers are...

It's a followup on my post last night.

Holly-daze update to follow

Sometimes you ask for something...a special Yule present that you only share with the Lord and Lady...

This year, I think I got mine.

*fingers the chain around his neck*

Yeah, this song is fitting right now.

More tomorrow ... including some poetry and some serious bombshells.

JT out

The bear is *pissed off*. The jack-ass known a...

The bear is *pissed off*.

The jack-ass known as Sorvuso (see previous posts for that backstory) had decided to be a two-faced plastic person.

First, you get me in trouble at work for what you volunarily did on your own time and at your own place and nearly get my ass fired for it by telling our manager that I'm being too social with you at work. You will purposely avoid transferring calls to me, you screw me by making yourself unavailable at 15 minutes to quitting time so that I get every call until the end of the night and often keep me here until 7:15pm. and then you have the nerve to be all nicey-nice to my face today?

Holidays or not, fuck you!

Cutters, Emo, and Real Life

I never thought I would understand cutters. You know, the ‘freaks’ who cut themselves over and over again.

Until tonight, now I understand them. When you get to that point where you do start cutting yourself, you’ve hit a bottom. When you seek out physical pain to make the emotional/psychological pain go away or at least not be so bad. I understand it now and I can completely sympathize with them.

Many things in my life are going well. I’m in a stable place to live, I have a full time job that pays me decently, and I’m getting back on my feet.

There are many things that *aren’t* going well. My diabetes is not well controlled. I still feel like I’m a complete and utter failure in living my own life. I flunked out of college *twice*. I’m living with friends at the age of 33. I barely can make ends meet. I’m a loser.

I want a place of my own with a door. Someplace where I can have some privacy and where I don’t have to listen to my roommates and more importantly, my life isn’t a showcase for them. I want to have a roommate who isn’t moody, doesn’t hold the fact that I have friends and do things without them against me, then when they need/want something, plays all nicey-nice.

I have a lot of anger built up...and I can’t release it. I have so much self-hatred built up...and can’t release it but I do believe it. All I have to do is look around me, and I know I’ve failed myself. I’ve not done anything religious in months because I don’t have any place that I feel comfortable practicing my beliefs.

Yeah, I’m sounding like an emo kid. Ya know what. Pain isn’t beautiful. Pain slowly kills you from the inside. Pain is what makes people go postal...or go off the deep end...or go kill themselves.

The saddest part of it all. As I sit here thinking about getting help and/or checking myself in to a mental health treatment program, I just hear an evil laughing in my head...telling me that “yeah, yer a failure. You can’t even cope with reality. What makes you think it’ll work? You still suck.”
Tomorrow is another day at work. I can’t just take a week or two off work for my mental health. I won’t have a job when I get out.

Why do I keep breathing? I don’t have a choice in the matter do I?

I can’t bring myself to commit suicide. Not because of me, I know I’m not worth it, but I can’t do it because of my friends. The ones who think I’m someone special, who supposedly see all these wonderful things in me. They are the ones I can’t hurt. Instead, like I always have, I keep my pain inside. Slowly dying from within, so that others don’t have to deal with my pain.

Now we join <i>The Week In Review</i>

I worked a full 40 hours this week. Okay, 39.75 as I was 10 minutes late to work on Friday due to emergency road work on 494 at the MN River bridge. I actually will be carrying money forward from this week into next week!! My on-line gaming fee is paid, T-Mobile is paid. I have to make my truck payment next week, but that’s the only bill out of a full 40 hour check. I’ll actually be able to renew my car insurance and make the first payment...early!

Otherwise, I’m working on my budget and realizing that I should be able to get my own place in about three months. I’m setting April 1st as the “be in my own place” date. I just have to make sure that I’m not overlooking anything in my budget such as food, gas, DSL, etc.

I did do some impulse shopping this week that wasn’t truly impulse. I had to replace the memory card for my digital camera ($59), I got new rechargable batteries for it ($20) to replace the 4 year old batteries that were barely holding a charge, and I got a replacement fan for my video card ($25). My computer doesn’t sound like it has a mad dog in it (the video card fan had lost a bearing or maybe two and growled loudly when it was actually spinning).

The only downside to getting the camera back up and running is when I tried to burn CDs last night and I discovered that my very trusty 2.5 year old CD burner had finally given up the ghost and wouldn’t write at all...and wouldn’t read above 4x. So, I’m holding off until Wednesday and getting myself a combo CD-RW/DVD-ROM drive for the computer. I’ll have a burner again and I can watch movies up here. Win-Win for me.

Otherwise, life is going pretty well. Work is going well, the truck is running well and is now freshly washed. About the only thing left for me to do on my weekend to-do list is laundry. I’m planning on doing that tonight before I go to bed. It’ll be sitting in the dryer waiting for me in the morning.

All in all, life’s going well. I still have my battles with depression, but things are looking good across the board and that helps.

Yeah....it's a meme

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Gah...

Okay folks. I'm sitting here at work, bored senseless and filled with rage that I can't release.

I don't know what I'm so pissed off about but I'm snapping at everyone while still putting forth that trademark "sugar sweetness" to the customer.

I just want to go home, play some Final Fantasy XI, blow things up, and then go to bed. I have to sit down tonight and print out all my pay stubs from the last 90 days to submit to Fairview Southdale tomorrow along with a ton of other stuff so I can do my application for Social Services. At least that might give me some mental health coverage which I really need.

M.K. from work is nagging me about what's wrong with me...and well, work is the issue. There is a "perception" issue regarding something that had been happening. Yesterday, one of my co-workers sent out a crap (read that as SPAM-esque) chain email to all her "girlfriends" and it was sent to a couple of the single guys on the team. The person in the cube next to me made sure to send it to the entire call center team making sure that didn't forget me "as he's a big girlfriend too."

*gah* screw this. I don't need this kind of childish girls club crap. From here out, I'm here. I do my job. I go home.

I am bear. Hear me roar!