This is *NOT* a suicide note...I'm getting help today. I promise you all this.

Lord and Lady,

I’m scared.

I’ve realized that my life is falling apart. I feel like an insignificant pile of goose shit on a runway at the airport of life.

My back gave out two weeks ago. I couldn’t walk, feel my right leg, or even urinate. I spent about 5 1/2 days in the hospital/ER with this whole mess. This caused me to lose my job at SBC. Two days before my back went out, Mike broke up with me (for valid reasons) but it was a complete emotional shock to me.

I realize that why I can’t find a boyfriend isn’t that I’m not /physically/ attractive, rather it’s that I’m an insecure person who is terrified of living.

I grew up in a dysfunctional household with a distant father who really didn’t seem that I existed which I strongly believe was due to the fact that I was severely asthmatic as a child and being gay, I didn’t have any interest in cars, sports, or other “manly” things. I preferred to be in my room reading.

I was bored to tears in school. I was considered gifted but stuck in a school system that you either did the “normal” track or you were in the Title I program for the “slow” people. I nearly flunked out of high school because I didn’t want to do the work and didn’t care. I picked up the knowledge and passed the tests, but homework was busy work bullshit. Mom never understood this and constantly drove me to be the best I could be. I don’t think I could have been good enough for her ever. No matter how well I did, there were more expectations attached to it.

I’ve failed out of college *three* times.

I don’t know how to interact with people. I’ve done college radio for three years and I have no fear of getting in front of a group of 100+ people and speaking. Small groups of less than 20 scare the fuck out of me.

I’m scared of being hurt. I’m scared of my own personality. In my failings in interacting with people, I either tend to come off as an aloof heartless person or as a smartass know-it-all jerk. Mike dumped me because he didn’t know what he wanted and he was scared of losing our friendship.

I know now that it was much more than that. I’ve come to realize that I need to be around people. I’ve turned into a needy clingy person but I have no idea of how to meet people and how to just hang out with them. All my ‘friends’ here are Mike’s friends. All my true friends are back in Minnesota. and Scooter are worried sick about me. My friend is ready to move me into his house if need be and I know he can’t afford to do so and he doesn’t have the room for it with living in his living room.

I went from being in a place where I thought I could finally make it on my own. I was going to be able to pay off my debts, maybe even get a better car, and actually look at getting furniture of my own and I’d actually had the dream of trying to save up for a house.

I realized in the wee hours of the morning this morning that I keep taking the vicodin and valium for my back, not so much because my back hurts, but it numbs my mental pain. I don’t think about it as much. I sleep. I don’t think, I don’t feel. I just automaton my way through the day.

I don’t know how to cope with reality. I don’t know how to make/find friends.

I’m not moving back “home” with Dad in Alabama. I’m sure as fuck not moving to Arkansas with Mom.

Once Mike goes to work, I’m calling Waukesha County Social Services and getting a referral to the best mental institution in the area and checking myself in. Sadly, I know this is going to crush Mike but I’d rather hit him with one big *thwack* like this than slowly drag him under as I spiral farther and farther into depression and battle the suicidal thoughts in my head.

What keeps me holding on....is my friends. Not even that they care, but I don’t want to inflict more pain on them. They’ve kept me going so far...and I know that if I did do something stupid like kill myself, I’d devastate them. I personally don’t care about myself, I’m very much just a mass of flesh living day to day...my friends however, I love them and I don’t want to hurt them.