Life status update...parts cut for religious reasons...

I crawled into the tub today...for a warm soak and some quality reading time.

What follows is my meditative thoughts (nicely hidden for those who don’t want to read it)



I took with me my copy of “Solitary Witch: The Ultimate Book of Shadows for the New Generation”

I quickly came to realize that while I have chosen to follow the Wiccan path of religion, I don’t truly practice it. I believe in it, but I don’t do all the “right” things.

I don’t know all the, pardon the pun, magic words and phrases that I should know. I do know that the God and Goddess are here and that they watch over us all. I know that I have two guardian angels who manifest themselves as a Mother Bear and a Wolf. Do I know that I should observe certain holidays (Sabbats) ... yes. Do I? No.

I find it ironic that I picked up that particular book to read in a morning soak....the day before the oldest known holiday in the world (Beltane). It is the recommended day for doing seeker and dedication rituals.

Seeker Ritual - Done by those who are Wiccan-inclined but unsure. You pledge yourself following the ways of the Lord and Lady for a year and a day, but you are not bound to them. It’s like a test drive. Not trying to make light of it, but it would be like going to a Christian church for a year to find out if Christianity is the right religion for you. You’ve not given yourself in service to Deity, however, you are looking at that option and have the inclination it’s the right path for you.

Dedication Ritual - Dedication is much stronger than a seeker ritual, in that you are giving yourself in service to Deity for a year. It is like Confirmation classes. You are being schooled for a year and a day in the ways of the Lord and Lady. At the end of that year and one day, it is traditional that one would either be initiated by the coven to which one belongs or would perform a self-initiation rite (for the Solitary practioner).

Tomorrow is Beltane (May 1). I realized this morning that I’ve never truly done the dedication ritual and I’ve never committed myself to learning the ways and history of Magick and Wicca. It’s not something one rushes into and it is not done lightly.

The author of the book lays out a nine week ritual to lead into the Dedication Ritual. It’s very odd. I understand the nine weeks (three is the number of the Lady...and the Lord...and crossing them (multiplying) is nine. However, I’ve been assembling the things I need for nine *years* and everything in my life has been pointing me more and more towards this path. I know this is the path I’m meant to walk, but yet I’ve never started the journey.

I’m a healer (empath) and I’m there for others, but I’m never there for myself. I think that is the first thing I must learn. I must learn to help myself, to grab my faults and to learn from them, and try to change them where I can. Once I’ve come to peace with myself and I am genuinely happy with myself, then I can truly start to help others (again). There have been times in my life where I was quite happy with myself and it seemed those were the times when I helping people the most and I truly enjoyed it. Now that I’m not taking care of myself, everything around me seems to be in shambles. They mirror each other. As I left myself go, things around me start to fall apart. As I start to pick myself back up, things around me start to pick back up. I don’t mean that in the narrow, just me, sorta thing. People who I know, who I care about start having things going their way again. Scooter is now getting more hours at work, is working, has two jobs now, is dating, and so is . Personally, the job front is finally opening up.

I’ve learned a lesson. I’m not entirely sure which lesson it is, but I have a strong idea it’s the “me first” lesson. I can’t keep doing for others without taking care of myself first. I’m really good at giving that speech and rah-rah lesson, but I don’t listen to it all that well. I’m finally starting to realize the true importance of loving oneself before you can love others.



Is it all coming together too late for me is the question. I’m on very very very thin ice right now in having a place to live. Mike’s financially and emotionally strapped due to the impending strike at SBC. I’m financially strapped due to not having a job.

I’m calling Pizza Hut today to see if Jim can start me working without the MVR (Motor Vehicle Record, i.e. my driving record) since he wants me to mostly be a cook anyway. I don’t see the point of me sitting around doing nothing when I could be working.

I’m taking charge of my life. I’m realizing that I can’t just continue ducking and running from it all. I have to stand up, take charge and make things happen. I’ve been doing that with one of my job leads which went from a basic e-mailed cover letter/resume to an hour long phone interview on Tuesday. Hopefully, I can manage to juggle that job (I’m assuming I’ll land it) and Pizza Hut as well for some double income for a while. It would be nice to be able to catch up on bills/rent/food.

Mike is giving notice today that we aren’t renewing the lease as of the end of May. If I don’t have a job and Mike’s on strike, he’ll be moving back home at the end of the month, and I’ll be somewhere *unknown as of now*. Otherwise, if I’m at one/both jobs and Mike’s not on strike or he is getting strike pay, we’ll go month to month or renew the lease. Occupancy in the complex is low...(two of the four apartments on our level of this section have been empty since I moved here at the start of the year) so flip flopping on a renewal shouldn’t be a problem.

I’m in a situation where I can make good things happen for myself. I’m trying to make them happen. They will happen.