Catching up with the BigBear

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the last couple of months of my life...

I have to start this someplace...

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I’ll start with

We did stumble into a messed up relationship of sorts.

I do have strong feelings for Brian and I do realize that I did push him into things. Do I want to be friends with him still? Yes. Would I like to actually date him...not in a relationship...but just date him? Yes.

I’m sorry Brian for pushing you into things. Yes I was confused by some mixed signals, but I still should have been more aware of what I was doing and thinking...not pushing you into something.

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The teaching circle that I’m involved with.

It’s broken. End of discussion on that.

has cut me off, banished me, and threatened me. Though he was sworn to protect me and my circle, he turned his back on my at my lowest moment and branded me a coward. Not a lot of protection or strength there. I have to say that I’m very much less than impressed with that. It’s funny how since Chicago didn’t work for him, he’s “cutting and running” to Des Moines now, which is exactly what he accused me of doing when I start looking at moving back to Minnesota.

I don’t have a job here, I don’t really have any job leads, and I have to move by the end of May.

Minnesota is where my friends are, I have strong job leads, and I’d have places to stay for a while as I got back on my feet. If that’s cutting and running, then I guess I’m doing it.

As for , his teaching is going very well and it’s the one thing that is somewhat holding me close to Chicago, is my desire to finish his training, though in all honesty, I think I could probably have him through his basic first level in the next month, which is my plan.

and never clicked/got it together to further Brian’s teaching. I’ve managed to deduce that Brian has a Wolf totem (as do I) and that he is quite young spiritually, but that’s about all I’ve really gotten out of him.

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I’ve also been thinking about past boyfriends and my feelings towards them.

I’ve managed to put behind me. I still have fond memories of him and my trip to Australia, but it was doomed from the beginning and though I never got an honest reason for the end of it from him...I don’t need that answer to put it into the past. I hold on to the positive memories and banish the bad.

Much the same has happened with . It’s in the past.

There are still a few people that I have lingering questions about...and why they did what they did.

Those are questions that aren’t suited for this enviroment, and as such, I’ll leave them out.

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As for Minnesota, it’s home. I spent last Saturday through this Wednesday up there and I quickly found myself back at home, in a familiar environment, among friends, and at ease. I wasn’t stressed out by my current living conditions, job leads were plentiful and seeming to be ready to bear fruit, and I got to see my friends.

It was a very good mental reset for me.

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All in all, I hit a big downpatch a few weeks ago, but I’m rebounding nicely from it...and learned some good lessons from it as well.

Big Bear out...