Tuesday morning, I was driving into work after having six days off in a row. I shouldn't have taken the time off for financial reasons, but the mental health break of actually having time to do housework and not feel like I was constantly running without stopping was good.
As I crossed over the Wakota Bridge, I found myself noticing the lower sun angle and the length of the day getting shorter every day. I thought about it and realized that Tuesday was exactly two years to the day when I started here at my current job. I was working through a temporary agency at the time.
As I realized that I'd been here for two years, I realized that I may have been here for two years, but that's about the only thing going right in my life.
I'm having a crisis of faith in Them, the afterlife, and myself.
I'm still not a college graduate, but I'm swimming in a huge amount of student loans. Deep down inside, I want to go back to school and get my degree finally, but I can't just uproot my life to do it. If I buckle down and go for my meteorology or earth science degree, I would be back at St. Cloud State facing at least one instructor that I'd rather not ever have to listen to again.
I'm still swimming in debt and barely making it from paycheck to paycheck. I realized that I only have myself to blame for that one and I'm realizing what I have to do to set my financial ship back upright and start working on the huge tsunami of debt that is threatening to push me into bankruptcy. My credit card debt is less than $750 but my medical bills...are well in excess of $50K. I have a plan now for keeping things going without having to beg/borrow/steal to keep things going. I can't take the physical stress of the financial stress any longer. I've not been able to sell my laptop yet, though I really could use the money right now.
I'm feeling like a failure in most everything in the physical realm. I'm still overweight which I do need to fix for my health's sake and my continued longevity. I've not finished the novel I've been trying to write for a very long time. The book
I've sat down recently and tried to reconnect to my faith and I've found myself coming up close to my faith, but I've not felt in my faith.
I've been following
I've sat down and tried reading various texts and religious works but it's like I'm reading non-fiction. There's no real connection to anything. I'm hoping to get away this weekend and try to spend some time out meditating and reconnecting to the Earth and to Nature. I need to re-find my spiritual path and to allow myself to lean on Them as I make the painful changes to bring my life back onto the path I need to follow.
The overall big picture is that I have a "big picture" list of changes I need to make to my life.
I have to get my financial house in order then start working on getting my personal life in order. The personal life changes in some ways will be easier. I have to get the roommates to clean house more often and more consistently. Getting out and walking every night or spending 30 minutes "alone" in the workout room would be good for me as well both for being able to destress and also for getting me back into better shape.
Perhaps I am having a mid-life crisis. I did turn 35 this year and I've noticed more grey coming into my goatee and my temples are definately showing a heavy sprinking of grey hair. Perhaps the mid-life crisis isn't the "big event" I always thought, but instead, it's a series of life-altering realizations. Whether we start making the changes that need to be made...or if we run out and buy the expensive sports car or the silicone based girlfriend... maybe that's the mark of maturing through the mid-life crisis.
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