Sometimes, it just feels good to vent...

Todd and I had another of our two hour conversations tonight. We talked about GLBT Services and other minorities as well as perceptions inside and outside of minority groups.

I brought up an aspect of my life to Todd and suprisingly I'd not thought through the aspects of what I was thinking and seeing that it was a universal to any minority group.

I'm starting to feel my resolve and inner strength starting to wane a bit as I keep going through every day basically alone. I deal with the people on my floor and I live with Jason. But it's more that I interact with them at a distance, as a personal who shares space with them.

But in reality, I feel very much alone. GLBT Services isn't really a social option for me. I'm an "older" student, so I don't really identify with the binge drinking and who's sleeping with who now crap that goes on around my floor.

I want to get my degree and move along from St. Cloud, but yet at the same time, I want to find a nice man to date and with whom I can spend time. I always would like to find a circle of friends that I can spend time with, hang out with, and when I'm with them, just be myself.

Owen is a good friend as is Joe, but Joe is still in Minneapolis and Owen works nights, so hanging out wiht him is fairly rare. I really don't feel like I have any close friends left.

I really wonder if this is what it's like for minority students who live on campus. I can't imagine what it's like to be an African student on this campus. Not only could you be non-White, but have poor English skills, and a different culture. How do you hold on to yourself and still interact with others? What parts of the self do you "keep quiet" or hide to just get along?

At 29, it's really hard for me to just put myself into little cubbyholes to please a group of people so I can be friends with them. I'm me. Unfortunately, being on campus, being yourself and living life with the knowledge of experience and life, it's difficult.

I'll go to sleep tonight, wake up in the morning, and suck it up. I'll put on my smile and face another day while inside my mood is gloomy and I'm feeling utterly alone.